Salut and bienvenue to another warped edition of Waluigious In(ve)stigation, this time with a view so controversial, a point so polarizing, an issue so disputed, that you just might not quite like it.
Once upon a time, while giving the
Super Mario Wiki a casual browse and looking for typos to correct in a haughty and supercilious fashion, I came upon this gem of description: "Princess Peach is classy, kind,
clever, and adventurous." I chortled so hard I almost choked on my Waluigi-style eggplant snack. Clever? Since the ROMhack when? She was kidnapped slightly over 9000 times mainly due to her own lack of foresight, judgment, attention, common sense, and general gray matter, and someone still calls her clever? "This demands rectification", I exclaimed and promptly set off to illustrate the wrongness of that belief with one of those custom Waluigious chart thingies.
And so, here we go.
(Click to see it in full.)
As you can plainly see, Peach's royal IQ has seen a steady overall decline since the inception of the character in 1985, when she still was "the question mark at the end of this game". Going from someone who could inspire compassion, the princess went on to become so clichéd and one-dimensional that any attempt to make people feel sorry for her being abducted would have failed. NPCs joke about it, Bowser jokes about it, even Mario jokes about it. The only one who doesn't really get the humour of the situation is, you guessed it, Peach.
A point-by-point explanation of that overly pink graph:
-Super Mario Bros.: Our princess, who is in another castle, doesn't have much of an on-screen appearance until a few seconds before the game restarts, but luckily we have the enclosed instruction book to consult concerning her background. Quoth the manual, nevermore: "The only one who can undo the magic spell on the Mushroom People and return them to their normal selves is the Princess Toadstool, the daughter of the Mushroom King". This would require powerful white magic that only a wise person would be able to possess, but seeing that in this draft of the Marioverse story, the strangely-singular "Koopa" use black magic and Peach has a father, this all got subjected to a mighty retcon.
-Super Mario Bros. 2 is "Sir Not Appearing In This Chart" since not only do none of the playables of this game show even the minutest amount of personality, but they also were just figments of Mario's subconscious. It's funny how you can strip a character of personification by making him/her playable.
-Super Mario Bros. 3: Now the princess is free for most of the plot, exhibiting some of the helpfulness you might expect from someone able to de-blockify a whole kingdom. In the kidnappings of the other monarchs it's visible how strong the enemy forces are, and how easy it therefore is for the evil Koopas to capture someone. Peach sends you useful and rare items, gives you valuable but poorly-worded hints at the Whistles' locations, it's all awesome... until she gets kidnapped. All the player sees of her afterwards is that gut-wrenchingly poor parody of the SMB "another castle" phrase, followed by "Just kidding! Ha ha ha! Bye bye." This is a substantial foreshadowing of what's going to happen to her IQ in the future.
-Super Mario World: Here, Peach neither has any magic-canceling value nor does she help you, save for the mushrooms in the final battle. In fact, she pretty much just gets kidnapped... 96 exits later, rescued. In fact, the game itself acknowledges this - saving her is merely an afterthought after all the Yoshi eggs, and the final castle is the shortest of all. She could be easily replaced by a chunk of Triforce, a sack of kittens, anything worth fighting a giant turtle in a flying cereal bowl for.
-Super Mario RPG: Square, ever the "Mario is a vehicle for our own practices" crowd, projects their time-tried "spunky princess" image onto Peach, making her sneak out of her castle to join the
rebels heroes and, of course, use magic - because pretty much everything in that game uses magic. As a side consequence of this, however, Peach becomes a somewhat bearable person - from the "Aim for the chain" in the beginning, until the final battles, she is not stupid at all. Yet again, pretty much everyone is bearable compared to Geno.
-Super Mario 64: Does anyone else find it suspicious that Peach tells Mario that she has already baked a cake for him, while after rescuing her, she still needs to bake it? But this is just one of the many things that are wrong with her. If the stars are that powerful, why keep them in paintings, holes, rabbits, blocks, etc. instead of, you know, using them against Bowser? The Koopa King himself isn't too smart, either, since he didn't figure out any way to use them effectively, as well. But Bowser's lack of brains is a topic for a whole 'nother article.
-Paper Mario: In this thin adventure, Peach is given one last attempt to be a non-obnoxiously-stupid character. The Peach between-chapters show her sneaking around, investigating, smuggling Mario some items from the castle, baking cake, answering quizzes, stealing identities etc. all by herself, since here she's paired with a character (Twink) who is absolutely useless except for his ability to fly, a talking messenger pigeon of sorts. Even in the final battle, her effort is visible when she focuses her energy to bring down Kammy Koopa. A tear and a farewell to a clever version of Peach that we won't see anymore...
-Super Mario Sunshine: ...because of this one. This game single-handedly brought Peach down three standard deviations on the IQ scale. How this was possible? Glad you ask! It was a carefully planned interplay of idiotic voice, awful plot, and "I'm your mama?" She thinks Shadow Mario is Mario, she asks Bowser Jr. whether he's Bowser's son, and when FLUDD dies, she is distracted from the tragic scene by the shiny Shine in the distance. Even her attempts at being useful shatter immediately, be it her trying to show Shadow Mario to Mario or her objection in court. Why didn't she appeal? Why didn't she go home after seeing the island? No trace of SMB3 or PM Peach to be found here.
-Mario & Luigi Superstar Saga: You might say she managed to trick Cackletta in this one. However, the info of the witch visiting was most likely given to her by Queen Bean. This leaves... Teehee Valley. Have you ever played one of these games where there's a character who's extremely vulnerable, but can't freaking stop, and you have to keep harm from them? Wasn't that extremely stupid and annoying? Now imagine doing puzzles in fast-forward around Peach, who obviously has only one walking speed (run), and if she crosses the boundaries of the screen, she gets kidnapped. Now, I don't think I have to point out that "standing without moving" is not something that requires a lot of intelligence, but obviously that's too high a concept for Ms. Still-Allowed-To-Rule-A-Country.
-Paper Mario 2: In the tradition of Paper Mario, Peach is supposed to help the heroes in her own chapter interludes. Now, however, she is guided by someone far more powerful and intelligent than she is , reducing her only to following orders. While her help is still immense compared to the few previous games, it doesn't really require as much intellectual ability. And, the whole problematic storyline starts with her fleeing from Toadsworth and buying suspicious things from suspicious vendors. Model princess behaviour!
-Mario & Luigi Partners in Time: To give her some slack, she does imprison one of the Princesses Shroob in the Cobalt Star, which is an accomplishment. Now, was the whole storyline really necessary? It wouldn't have been if Peach wasn't the first who used the time machine! Since a person who's extremely likely to be kidnapped in ANY situation, much more an unsafe one like a trip through time, is naturally one that should be used for a test-drive. The real question: is everyone around her just as stupid since no one said anything? E. Gadd is absentminded, and Toadsworth never gets listened to, but all others? Mario? Luigi?
-New Super Mario Bros: Peach literally does nothing but scream "Help!" several hundred times. Bowser Jr. puts her down, not tied up, many times - and she still doesn't undertake anything. You thought you would at least get mushrooms in the final battle? Hints? Anything? Tough luck! Here, the princess does even less than in SMB, if that's imaginable. And from what we've seen of NSMBWii, it seems like it won't be much better there. Just look at her:
"I get my cakes delivered by the Koopa Troop!"
-Super Paper Mario: In the third Paper Mario game, with Peach's transition to a full-fledged party member, she has lost her potential to help them on her own, instead all we got is a transformation from a story character to "someone to switch to for crossing long gaps and then to switch back". Although she tries to be noble, like in the final Mimi battle, she still has more stupidity here than in any other Paper series game. One example: in the Overthere, instead of going around and trying to find out where she is, Peach just picks up a mysterious golden apple and eats it. For giggles. And falls into a magic sleep, potentially forever if Mario and the others didn't save her. She shouldn't even have been hungry, she was DEAD at that point! This is the kind of dumb action that always leads to problems for those around her.
-Super Princess Peach: Oh, originality, a premise with reversed polarity. Peach has to save Mario - something that's only possible by willing suspension of disbelief - and, of course, doesn't talk much since she's playable. Her reactions to story events, however, reflect her established personality. She always rushes right into the Toad orbs even after knowing full well that there's a boss ahead - Perry outright tells her! And even though her emotions help her in this game, one can see how, if her mind works like this on a regular basis, it might inhibit her rational thinking. A lot.
-Super Smash Bros. Brawl: Not really a canon game, but here, Peach is her usual self, offering tea to people on top of a heavily armed and firing airship. Expectably, she gets turned into a statue and kidnapped a few times.
-Super Mario Galaxy: Peach once again invites Mario, this time to give him a Luma (curiously, nowhere in the game is it explained how she came into the possession of a Luma anyway) and, surprise, surprise, she gets kidnapped. Then, she sends him letters with 1-Ups, which is supposed to invoke the spirit of SMB3, but fails, since the 1-Ups are impermanent and non-rare, unlike the wise whistle hints and P-Wings etc. of yore. Finally, we only see her again in the end sequence, where she, along with Bowser, awakens and seemingly doesn't remember anything. Not that she ever remembers anything, particularly to install castle security, anyway.
-Mario & Luigi Bowser's Inside Story: As I
pointed out previously, something is seriously wrong with Peach in that game. She is able to throw Bowser with hand gestures like the mightiest wizard, yet gets kidnapped by FOUR different people over the course of the game? (Bowser, Kretin, Fawful and Dark Bowser) This is a departure from her usual persona, but no less stupid. Maybe in the future, Peach will be a sort of "secret weapon" for the Mushroom Kingdom? "Bowser, you defeated our armies and our plumbers, but now you're dealing with PEEEEEECH!"
Honorable mentions:
-Mario Pinball Land: A device that turns people into spherical projectiles.
Manned by Goombas. Peach: "I'm so there!"
Pictured: judgment of a true ruler.
-Super Smash Bros. Melee: Home to
this sound clip. To quote Charles Babbage, "
I am not rightly able to apprehend the kind of confusion that could provoke such a question", especially after a fight which implies that she has beaten everyone to a pulp beforehand.
It's sad that this character is the female that has appeared in the most video games. But I won't beat a dead Yoshi and ramble about how she's a bad role model for girls etc., that's a job for more generic video game blogs. You have the facts now, and it's your turn to build an opinion. Is Peach stupid? Did I misrepresent her? Am I an immature voodoo head? Comments are welcome!
~Waluigious: "I can't believe I got kidnapped…again."
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