The One Where Mario Kart 64 is Broken and a Better Game For It

Mario Kart 64 is a broken product, and therefore more fun than its DS and Wii sequels. Aside from Double Dash (I’m not typing in 2 exclamation points every time I type that title), I haven’t seen any game in the Kart series get as much flack as 64. Today, it’s allegedly aged poorly. Back in its time, it was supposedly a disappointment after Super Mario Kart. Well haters, you’re all wrong. Mario Kart 64 is the greatest entry the series ever saw…largely because of mechanics I don’t think the programmers intended.

The go-to reason for MK64’s supposed mediocrity is the item imbalance. This is, honestly, hilarious. First off, the dreaded “blue shell” that is the bane of hardcore Kart fans is a perfectly decent (if powerful) item in its 64 and Super Circuit incarnations. You’re in 7th place, you fire it, it has a fair shot of taking out 2nd-6th, and definitely takes out 1st, so ideally you gain ground overall. It’s the winged Spiny Shell that is simply a spiteful monkey wrench that doesn’t help the user at all: Blowing the crap out of 1st and maybe 2nd is just an “if I can’t win, you can’t win!” gesture and doesn’t get the 7th place user any closer to 3rd, who now takes the lead. Besides, point me to a Mario game where Spinies had wings, I challenge you!

Then there are red shells. In 64, if an opponent is crushing you so badly that they’re out of your line of sight, that red shell is gonna veer depressingly into the nearest wall: thus rewarding the skilled racer for getting so far ahead. In DS and Wii, red shells will dog you to no end, and in the former in particular, even dragging an item is unlikely to help you, as they often strike from angles.

Next we have lightning. From the days of Super Mario Kart, the lighting was pretty much the ultimate “help out the loser” weapon. But in DS, it truly takes on a “punish skill” form: The better your place, the longer you’re affected! So not only does the 8th place fellow who used it move up in the ranks, but the overall last-to-first gap is closed through no skill on anyone’s part!

Finally, the Bullet Bill. How DS got its critic-proof reputation after introducing this item is completely baffling to me. We already have the Starman, which gives you a speed boost, invincibility and the ability to drive on any terrain. But actually having to point your kart in the right direction is hard work, so let’s have an item do that for you. Not to mention it covers far more ground than the Starman ever did.

Next, a quick note on graphics. Yes, yes, mock the 64 game that uses pre-rendered sprites for its characters. Well you know what? At least my favorite Kart actually has shells that give an illusion of depth, unlike the cardboard cutouts you toss at each other in DS. And back in a time when daily hospitalizations occurred due to skewered eyes on jagged 3-D models, the rounded character sprites of Kart 64 were quite the relief. And the first time you booted up that character select screen to see all those smoothly-rendered characters blinking and nodding, you were drooling. Admit it. Okay, so the look of the characters has aged kinda badly, but it’s really not that much worse than the blocky 3-D models of the time (or the DS). It’s really more of a style preference.

Thus far, I’ve argued that 64 is more fair and balanced than its successors. So where does the “broken” claim come in? Well, 64 is one of those lucky accidents that just happens to be royally screwed up in the perfect places. But first, since I’m a fair guy, a not-so-perfect mechanic: In Kart 64, the lightweight class has the best acceleration, off-road skills (like most Kart, and indeed most racing, games) and highest top speed (most definitely not normal). The manual even says so, and it’s an easy test if you don’t believe me. My defense: With items, this simply doesn’t matter much in Vs. or Grand Prix, and even less in Battle. And is being limited to three of eight characters for competitive time trials really so bad next to the game that limits you to two of 36 karts?

But now we’ve got the messy stuff out of the way, and it’s on to what truly makes MK64 great. First: Turbo Mode. Despite the caps, I would wager this is an unintentional glitch that occurs when playing 3-4 player Vs. or Battle. Basically, on Moo Moo Farm, Banshee Boardwalk, Bowser’s Castle, DK Jungle Parkway or Battle Mode’s Skyscraper, the game will often play at insane speeds. When you’re chilling out with a group of friends after a stressful week, nothing quite beats 4 of you shell-jousting over Skyscraper’s center pit at absurd speeds.

Then we’ve got shortcuts. Not this “obviously, if you have a mushroom, use it here” stuff, though there is plenty of that as well. I’m talking “power-slide into a jump to cut off the U-Turn in Yoshi Valley” or “make an insanely huge jump off the starting line in Rainbow Road to cut out a third of the lap” or “jump just about any wall you can find” in Wario Stadium. I just try to put myself in the 8-year-old mentality while playing the newer Mario Karts, and imagine the giddiness I would feel if you were actually allowed to partake in MK64’s brand of shortcutting.

On the flip side, you can truly screw opponents over in 64. Does anything feel more deliciously satisfying than holding onto a thunderbolt for an entire lap just so you can unleash it as your friend tries to cross Wario Stadium’s giant gap? How about knocking foes into the “Bat Box” in Banshee Boardwalk? And Toad’s Turnpike on Mirror Mode…it’s an exercise in masochism that no future game has even considered replicating. Stupidly broken? Perhaps, but it’s so much FUN.

And the Battle Mode deserves mention in itself. Simply put, MK64’s battle arenas are perfection. Big Donut and Double Deck offer spacious chases. Block Fort, with narrow corridors, multiple layers and conveniently-colored segments ideal for screen-peeking (which the manual ENCOURAGED you to do. Just another example of fun taking precedence over fair), is Kart legend, which Double Dash foolishly attempted to alter (lol, Block City) and DS had to copy to bolster its own lineup. And good ol’ SkyScraper…aside from the speed glitch, you’ve got a circular gap that can be jumped at any point, the center hole and conveniently numbered spawn points so you can camp when anyone falls off (“Hey Dan, sucks that you fell. What controller are you?” “2.” “Get ready to bomb him, guys!”). Plus, it has Mini-Bomb Karts: giving the eliminated players a chance to spitefully tip the odds toward the player that didn’t kill them. Or really do whatever they want, until one of the remaining players pulverizes them with a star. Who wants mandatory team battles when you have potential for shaky alliances like this?

Mario Kart 64 is an act of serendipity. Genuine greatness (track design, item balance, music) combines with random glitches and rather startling oversights, and by luck of the draw, the game ends up being an utter delight to play and (in my experience) the biggest reason that the 64 is as common as a 360 or Wii around my college campus. Yes, you can put on your snob glasses and tear apart its flaws, but when you sit down and actually play the game, who thinks like that? MK64 is among the greatest multiplayer experiences…ever. Sure, its single-player is lacking, but if you’re playing any Mario Kart (other than the original, I suppose) for single-player, let me recommend you some Diddy Kong Racing.

~Waluigious: It's also the only game where you'll hear Mario exclaim "Versus??!!" as if you'd just volunteered for front-line combat.