Here's a guest post from a generous submitter who wished to remain anonymous. Some interesting insight there!
Goombas are dumb. Any casual observer of Mario games can attest to this. Look at the way the shiitake mushrooms pace themselves slowly into stompable territory or off a cliff like your little cousin in a Penguin Suit. Despite their inherent stupidity, however, Goombas have lately been displaying a more intellectual side, mostly in the Mario RPG games. How?
They talk.
As a longtime Mario gamer since the eighties, I’ve found the Goombas’ growing ability to grasp language a bit clashing to their nature. Maybe it’s because I grew up watching The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! where Goombas for the most part merely grunted. Even the live action Super Mario Bros. movie with its warped up take on the Mario mythos portrayed Goombas as gargling idiots. This makes sense; if a Goomba can’t think about turning around before plummeting down a pit, then they clearly don’t have the mental capacity for language.
Of course, this changed with Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars. Giving a few Goombas a line of dialogue didn’t strike an odd chord for me, but fairly late into the game comes a sentimental moment that helps melt away the image of Goombas as nothing but mindless drones. Once Mario and company enter the Monstro Town shop for the first time, they discover a Goomba managing the store. The ex-soldier apologizes to the king for going AWOL, explaining that he (I will assume that the Goomba is a male because he is not pink and does not sport apparel traditionally associated with femininity — no sexism intended) simply knew that he couldn’t defeat Smithy by diving into his feet. What’s significant to point out here, besides the Goomba’s mental ability to manage a business, is his logic and emotional complexity. He is able to rationalize that if his own leader can’t take down the enemy, then he definitely doesn’t stand a chance. Additionally, he feels a remorse for his failure, feeling the obligation to apologize to his superior—though a counterargument could be made that the Goomba had no choice but to beg for his master’s mercy. Even if that is the case, the Goomba manager expresses an emotional maturity in his ability to raise a family of triplets by running a shop and contributing to a society. A far cry from the Goomba’s sidescrolling siblings.
Goomba evolution is similarly apparent in spiritual sequel Paper Mario. In addition to more chatterbox Goombas, we see an entire community of Goombas, indicating that they may be progressive enough to maintain a civilization. Yet upon further inspection, Goomba Village is the smallest and most primitive organization compared to all other towns in the entire Mario series, housing only a single Goomba family. They could easily fit into even the smallest planetoid in Super Mario Galaxy! So does this mean that even with the Goombas’ potential to form a society, their collective minds can only develop a simple neighborhood at best? Let’s not forget that in the direct sequel, The Thousand-Year Door, we see Toads and Piantas operating commerce and Craws forming the Robbo Gang, while many Goombas remain as independent thieves unable to assimilate into society. Why is it that Goombas can apparently only function as citizens in relatively simple communities like Monstro Town and Goomba Village? Is sophistication a barrier to them?
On the flipside, The Thousand-Year Door also features Goombella and Professor Frankly, possible the smartest characters in the game. Both study at the University of Goom, which indicates that there may be even more scholarly Goombas, nay, an entire institute of higher education filled with them! Goombella even resents how Goombas as a whole are labeled when her Tattle Log describes them as “the underlings of underlings.” Is the University of Goom part of a movement to advance the name of Goomba? To boost the integration of Goombas as equal members of society? With Goombella and Professor Frankly as standout representatives, clearly the Goomba race can develop the capacity to speak, and then some.
Perhaps once a Goomba is defected from the Koopa Troop, he or she can grow into full mental potential. But then the latest Mario RPG, Bowser’s Inside Story, reveals an intimate conversation between master and pawn.
Goomba boot camp? So King Bowser Koopa orders the Goombas to march “straight ahead into the enemy’s feet?” And out of blind loyalty, they listen? And although some may have the brains to communicate with their master, once they reach the edge of the cliff they still obediently walk off the edge? It’s all intentional?
~Waluigious: I guess the Koopa Troop Goombas are even dumber than I thought!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Guest Post: The Inspiration For Super Mario Bros
And yet another guest post from cheat-master30. This guy is a blog savior!
When it comes to articles about what aspects of popular culture have inspired the Mario series, anyone who's a series fan will know exactly what to expect. Talk about Mario as based on Alice in Wonderland, talk of Mario being named after the Landlord of Nintendo of America's offices and maybe some talk about how the Koopa was based on the Kappa from folklore. This is all well and good, and it's all true, but it's been done to death. So how about some interesting examples of the Mario series getting inspiration from, and being based on some clever, albeit more obscure things?
First off, Super Mario Land. It's been said before on another gaming blog I visit, and a few people have pieced this whole thing together, but the weird enemies and names are nowhere near as out there as they actually seem. Take the enemies, which are based on Japanese or general Eastern folklore (this pattern continues with the monsters in the Pumpkin Zone in the sequel, and all things considered makes it seem like the folks at Nintendo were getting a little bored of the stock monsters usually found in the series). The pionpi is a Chinese Vampire, the Haunted Lantern is a Chochinobake (paper lantern which comes alive on it's 100th birthday) and even the Tamanoripu is based on an obscure Famicom system character in Japan (it's the bear thing on a ball found in the Mario Zone).
But what about the worlds and stuff? Well, those too have a rather clever theme which got lost in translation. Birabuto for example means 'Pyramid', which explains all the Sphinx styled monsters and Egyptian theming, but have you noticed an ongoing theme here? Every one of these places is based on an Earth place which has some urban legend/mythological connection to aliens in some way! Egypt and the pyramids of course is often referenced as being built by aliens in the various crazy conspiracy theories and folktales, Muda is based on the Bermuda Triangle, where ships and planes are supposed to go missing (and many people attribute this to extraterrestrials abducting people with UFOs), Easton is based on Easter Island, with the Moai heads and statues often having being attributed to alien intervention, and considering Super Mario Bros in general takes all myths as true in part of the background story (if there's a supernatural creature or event in the real world, it will have it's equivalent in the Mushroom World, it makes for good boss battle and platforming opportunities). But what of the Chai Kingdom, aka the equivalent to China? Well, it's based on extremely old folklore and legends here, but one of the old names used to describe the country was the Celestial Kingdom. Another was the middle kingdom, and another meant 'all under heaven'. The heavens in Super Mario Land? The final level! The space/celestial part? Tatanga and such not. Nice space/alien theming there, albeit something nearly everyone will miss.
For another example, what about the professor from Wario Land 4? This is someone even Artemendo and Waluigious didn't understand the purpose of, or the source of, (He's right.) but he's not an original character. Do you remember Link's Awakening, which had a character called Prince Richard? He's from a game called Kaeru no Tame ni Kane wa Naru or 'For the Frog the Bell Tolls'. The professor is from the same video game, and he's yet another character (I think he might be a villain there). There's certainly an awkard similarity between him and this guy, correct?
But again, this will pass many people by, because I don't think the game ever got an English release, so to them the two characters mentioned are the entire content of what they know about of the game.
You also can't forget all the elements in the RPGs. Those are basically whole games worth of homages to other genres, with all the relevant parodies and references needed. It shouldn't be too hard to spot all the inspiration for where Nintendo got the idea of Chapter 7 in Super Paper Mario, it's one extremely long Greek Myth/Biblical reference. Things like the Underwhere, Underchomp, Grambi, Jaydes and Charold are in plain sight, and easily recognizable as references to myth and legend. But Bonechill? Well, he's obviously an ex-Nimbi, and he looks nearly identical to Stallord from Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess (is that a coincidence? Not sure, might be a a deliberate reference), but he's also the equivalent of Lucifer/Satan in the Bible. Note he's a fallen angel. Note he's sealed away in what's basically the deepest part of hell. Note he's got ice powers, and then note Lucifer in the Divine Comedy was sealed away in ice, and you've got a fairly non subtle reference here.
Also, as a certain site has known for a few years now, the final area in the Mario Zone ain't Lego, it's NB 'blocks'. That's not trying to cover up copyright you know, it's actually a line of Lego clone toys Nintendo manufactured at one point before getting into the video game business.
Yet another interesting thing many don't know is what things inspired Yoshi's Island DS. Sure, it's not the best game by far, but it's got quite an interesting reference, albeit an extremely subtle one in the names of certain levels. Bowser's Castle for example, is called 'At Last, Bowser's Castle!' This seems fairly standard, the usual excited episode title naming as you'd find in many Japanese anime series for example. But it's not, the name for Bowser's Castle in the original seems standard, so what is it a reference to?
It's a reference to the Japanese name for the Bowser's Castle level in the originally, which is called 'At Last, It's Koopa's Castle'. Not something you'd ever figure out without a translation guide, right?
Finally, there's something very interesting about the original I first learnt from the official Nintendo Magazine, and that's where the game's swimming mechanics came from. Everyone hates swimming levels, right? Well, as they point out, there's a possible reason in that the mechanics were basically taken straight from the Balloon Trip mode in Balloon Fight, albeit with the additional of a weapon if you have a Fire Flower. You can almost see exactly what those Jelectro levels were trying to replicate here if you think about it hard enough, and exactly why most people hate them (do you know many people who've even got over 100 points in Balloon Trip?)
In conclusion therefore, forget the old Alice in Wonderland and Nintendo of America Landlord elements and how they inspired the series, they're about as old fashioned now as everyone saying how Super Mario Bros 2 was once a game called Doki Doki Panic. There was some real Mario nerd trivia for you, and stuff to potentially impress anyone who's ever liked the series in thinking you're the most hardcore Mario know-it-all in existence!
~Waluigious: We're taking away the magic of the unknown!
When it comes to articles about what aspects of popular culture have inspired the Mario series, anyone who's a series fan will know exactly what to expect. Talk about Mario as based on Alice in Wonderland, talk of Mario being named after the Landlord of Nintendo of America's offices and maybe some talk about how the Koopa was based on the Kappa from folklore. This is all well and good, and it's all true, but it's been done to death. So how about some interesting examples of the Mario series getting inspiration from, and being based on some clever, albeit more obscure things?
First off, Super Mario Land. It's been said before on another gaming blog I visit, and a few people have pieced this whole thing together, but the weird enemies and names are nowhere near as out there as they actually seem. Take the enemies, which are based on Japanese or general Eastern folklore (this pattern continues with the monsters in the Pumpkin Zone in the sequel, and all things considered makes it seem like the folks at Nintendo were getting a little bored of the stock monsters usually found in the series). The pionpi is a Chinese Vampire, the Haunted Lantern is a Chochinobake (paper lantern which comes alive on it's 100th birthday) and even the Tamanoripu is based on an obscure Famicom system character in Japan (it's the bear thing on a ball found in the Mario Zone).
But what about the worlds and stuff? Well, those too have a rather clever theme which got lost in translation. Birabuto for example means 'Pyramid', which explains all the Sphinx styled monsters and Egyptian theming, but have you noticed an ongoing theme here? Every one of these places is based on an Earth place which has some urban legend/mythological connection to aliens in some way! Egypt and the pyramids of course is often referenced as being built by aliens in the various crazy conspiracy theories and folktales, Muda is based on the Bermuda Triangle, where ships and planes are supposed to go missing (and many people attribute this to extraterrestrials abducting people with UFOs), Easton is based on Easter Island, with the Moai heads and statues often having being attributed to alien intervention, and considering Super Mario Bros in general takes all myths as true in part of the background story (if there's a supernatural creature or event in the real world, it will have it's equivalent in the Mushroom World, it makes for good boss battle and platforming opportunities). But what of the Chai Kingdom, aka the equivalent to China? Well, it's based on extremely old folklore and legends here, but one of the old names used to describe the country was the Celestial Kingdom. Another was the middle kingdom, and another meant 'all under heaven'. The heavens in Super Mario Land? The final level! The space/celestial part? Tatanga and such not. Nice space/alien theming there, albeit something nearly everyone will miss.
For another example, what about the professor from Wario Land 4? This is someone even Artemendo and Waluigious didn't understand the purpose of, or the source of, (He's right.) but he's not an original character. Do you remember Link's Awakening, which had a character called Prince Richard? He's from a game called Kaeru no Tame ni Kane wa Naru or 'For the Frog the Bell Tolls'. The professor is from the same video game, and he's yet another character (I think he might be a villain there). There's certainly an awkard similarity between him and this guy, correct?
But again, this will pass many people by, because I don't think the game ever got an English release, so to them the two characters mentioned are the entire content of what they know about of the game.
You also can't forget all the elements in the RPGs. Those are basically whole games worth of homages to other genres, with all the relevant parodies and references needed. It shouldn't be too hard to spot all the inspiration for where Nintendo got the idea of Chapter 7 in Super Paper Mario, it's one extremely long Greek Myth/Biblical reference. Things like the Underwhere, Underchomp, Grambi, Jaydes and Charold are in plain sight, and easily recognizable as references to myth and legend. But Bonechill? Well, he's obviously an ex-Nimbi, and he looks nearly identical to Stallord from Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess (is that a coincidence? Not sure, might be a a deliberate reference), but he's also the equivalent of Lucifer/Satan in the Bible. Note he's a fallen angel. Note he's sealed away in what's basically the deepest part of hell. Note he's got ice powers, and then note Lucifer in the Divine Comedy was sealed away in ice, and you've got a fairly non subtle reference here.
Also, as a certain site has known for a few years now, the final area in the Mario Zone ain't Lego, it's NB 'blocks'. That's not trying to cover up copyright you know, it's actually a line of Lego clone toys Nintendo manufactured at one point before getting into the video game business.
Yet another interesting thing many don't know is what things inspired Yoshi's Island DS. Sure, it's not the best game by far, but it's got quite an interesting reference, albeit an extremely subtle one in the names of certain levels. Bowser's Castle for example, is called 'At Last, Bowser's Castle!' This seems fairly standard, the usual excited episode title naming as you'd find in many Japanese anime series for example. But it's not, the name for Bowser's Castle in the original seems standard, so what is it a reference to?
It's a reference to the Japanese name for the Bowser's Castle level in the originally, which is called 'At Last, It's Koopa's Castle'. Not something you'd ever figure out without a translation guide, right?
Finally, there's something very interesting about the original I first learnt from the official Nintendo Magazine, and that's where the game's swimming mechanics came from. Everyone hates swimming levels, right? Well, as they point out, there's a possible reason in that the mechanics were basically taken straight from the Balloon Trip mode in Balloon Fight, albeit with the additional of a weapon if you have a Fire Flower. You can almost see exactly what those Jelectro levels were trying to replicate here if you think about it hard enough, and exactly why most people hate them (do you know many people who've even got over 100 points in Balloon Trip?)
In conclusion therefore, forget the old Alice in Wonderland and Nintendo of America Landlord elements and how they inspired the series, they're about as old fashioned now as everyone saying how Super Mario Bros 2 was once a game called Doki Doki Panic. There was some real Mario nerd trivia for you, and stuff to potentially impress anyone who's ever liked the series in thinking you're the most hardcore Mario know-it-all in existence!
~Waluigious: We're taking away the magic of the unknown!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Guest Post: Super Mario Series Darker Than It Looks
Here's another guest post from cheat-master30. Enjoy!
When it comes to the setting of the Mario series, and the storylines of the games, there has previously been a type of misconception made about what the series is like. Maybe it's the cheery looking graphics in many games, or the nostalgia filter making people only think of the NES game, but there has been a belief by many the series is somehow some utopic, peaceful series set in a perfect world and that every other video game series (or mainly, rip off mascot series like Sonic the freaking Hedgehog) are somehow 'cooler', or 'edgier' or 'darker' than the Mario series. Even the old Coin Heaven blog got in with the act with it's ranting article saying how the Mario series and primary colour palettes and what not means it looks kiddy or innocent or happy.
Hah! I don't think these fools have even played many of the Mario games outside Mario Party and Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games! Yes, Mario Party (especially 5 and onwards) have become saccarine coated to the point of tastes like diabetes in some cases (Sweet Dream? Toy Dream?), the crossover games are generally quite relaxed (but they're based on real world sports events for the setting, there's not much you can do without losing the Olympics license) and Mario Golf isn't exactly going to be seen as dark or terrifying (but golf as a sport is a relaxing affair in general and the game lives up to that). But look at the RPGs! Look at Luigi's Mansion! Look at the story to some degree even in the main series Mario games like Super Mario Galaxy! Those aren't just sugar coated dream land settings of happiness and sweetness and light, despite what some relatively uneducated non fans may say!
First up, the RPGs. It should be no surprise first of all that the Mario RPG games, have generally tended towards being some of the most dark and outright depressing affairs in the entire series. Not that it's a bad thing in the slightest, but there's a definite trend towards plain apocalypse settings in the Paper Mario and Mario and Luigi series, and villains far beyond what most people would expect in a so called 'child friendly' series. True, the standard villains in the main series aren't exactly a joke (or at least, they're less of a joke than more that have undergone villain decay like King Dedede from the Kirby series), but characters like Bowser and Wario are not particularly... menacing in any form. The Paper Mario villains though... probably kick dogs for a living, cross the moral event horizon in four minutes and if not funny in the process, would be seen as complete monsters. Take Dimentio for example... he's funny with his sayings and metaphors, but if you take it a bit... more seriously, he's pretty much a creepy psychopath in his personality. He may have wrote the Dark Prognosticus! He may have wrote himself into the book so Count Bleck would hire him! He killed Mario and friends in broad day light in the middle of a cut scene, and basically manipulated everyone across the entire game. All that... while remaining perfectly cheery with creepy circus music in the background.
Indeed, it's somewhat creepy how calmly this guy can literally plan to kill off everyone. The other villains are much the same way. Fawful is a flat out megalomaniac narcissist, wanting to control the world and change everyone into what are basically clones of himself. The Shadow Queen could destroy the world, or at least plunge it into a few thousand years of darkness and ruin, the Shroobs want to invade and use the souls of the Mushroom people for what's basically fuel for UFOs (there's almost way too many possible comparisons with movies and depressing real life events here) and Smithy is probably the least family friendly villain in the series, at least in his speeches.
"Hurrumph! Better yet... Why don't YOU give me YOUR stars. Why, then I could easily conquer this world! Then we could get rid of wishes, and create a world filled with... WEAPONS!!"
You can almost see Fox News or some sensationalist tabloid panicking over that statement, at least if they had ever paid much attention to Super Mario RPG. One bet someone says it's corrupting the youth.
Hell, no mention of villains would go without Count Bleck, because he's one of the most serious, yet possibly sympathetic villains in the series. An all round nice person called Blumiere until he lost his loved one due to his father using dark magic to send her to another dimension, causing him to go insane, read the Dark Prognosticus and get corrupted into an almost pure evil Nietzsche wannabe. Hell, he apparently killed his entire tribe and family in revenge after this, at least if Mario Wiki is to be believed. But more importantly, he wanted to destroy the entire multiverse and all of existance after losing his sanity. He didn't even tell his followers this, saying he'd remake the worlds after destroying them. Finally, this villain eventually knew about Timpani, but even thought the entire idea of changing his mind was useless, being completely fatalist and saying how he could only close the Void if he perished.
Not that the villains were the only depressing thing about the games of course. Mario and Luigi Partners in Time for instance was full to the brim of sad moments and needless destruction. The whole scene in Hollijolli Village was a pretty sad example of this, an entire town getting obliterated by alien invaders (including the mayor, who looked suspiciously like Santa Claus) because of... being in the middle of a War of the Worlds type situation. The music playing does not help things in the least:
The most depressing Christmas music ever? It makes the setting creepy as heck.
Toad Town too, seeing a place in perfect order in the other two RPG games (and the Paper Mario series) being in complete ruin, with alien robots and monsters having taken over and the entire populace bar the owners of a single shop having been abducted by aliens. Same kind of music and feeling here:
The ending scenes even show it being blasted to pieces by the Shroobs and the Toads running for their lives in every which direction.
Indeed, it seems this game has the least happy sounding music in the entire series, if the final boss music is to be believed:
Not however that the other Mario RPGs don't come close. Paper Mario The Thousand Year Door for instance has a setting of a town controlled by the mafia (yazuka in Japanese versions) and a street gang, with corruption and crime at massive levels. It has a sailor (Bobbery) driven temporarily to alcohol after losing his wife while at sea. It has a conspiracy in a wrestling establishment involving missing persons and conspiracies, and let's not even go into what the final boss scenes are like, with the populace worried about whether there would even be a future for them if Mario doesn't defeat the Shadow Queen.
It's also quite heart warming as well.
But let's not forget. It's not just the RPG games with their depressing stories and 'deep' characters which make the Mario series far darker than anything else, the main series has it in abundance. Luigi's Mansion is a good example here. Sure, the ghosts look cartoony, but the effects and general atmosphere doesn't (and the black out is plain creepy). It's a creepy game, I've got to give it that, and keep in mind the way many of the ghosts died and such alone is quite... different from the Mario series norm, especially considering many of them are seemingly human, or were until their untimely deaths. And Bogmire, who's plain weird:
A product of the mansion's fear and despair. He's not sure who to fear or what to despair these days.
Not even counting the glitch which makes it seem as if Luigi's shadow has been hanged.
Super Mario Bros itself isn't completely immune to being a dark, seriously series either, at least the first game. Note the bit about the Mushroom People being turned into blocks, or mushrooms, or horsehair plants. Note the latter are Fire Flowers, and it seems there's quite some moral dissonance going on, with him Mario being a possible killer (although Wario did the same in Wario Land 3).
Super Mario Bros 3 brings us the literal hell setting in Bowser's realm of darkness, what with all the flames, skulls, ghostly apparitions of Princess Peach and the general war like territory. Interesting point you never consider here of course... was it like that before Bowser took over?
Super Mario 64 has the killer piano which hardly anyone expects the first time around, the killer fish, the eel... Heck, many of the untold mysteries such as that of the 'swimming beast in the lagoon' apparently being a carnivore, or the portals going from levels to the courtyard or mysterious passages which don't lead anywhere in levels.
Super Mario Sunshine has the possibly off Hotel Delfino and Manta Storm, and Super Mario Galaxy is quite serious indeed. You've got Mario when he's electrocuted and turned into a skeleton for a brief time, you've got the war like settings of the Battlerock and Dreadnought Galaxies with their electric fences, cannons and laser weapons, and to a degree, even the Bonefin Galaxy with Kingfin as the boss is far creepier than anything in a Sonic the Hedgehog game or what not.
Nice Jaws first person perspective, not to mention the creepy eye beams...
Finally, to wrap it all up, note something I thought was quite philosophically scary about the series. No permanent death. Things like Mushrooms mean that morality and such like to an extent becomes meaningless, and punishments become useless. Also note that unlike most other series, the villains are not repentant. Sure, Bowser is seen as harmless, but he's sure determined, and he won't change his mind. For a so called 'realistic' or 'edgy' series, you can negotiate with the main villain, or hope they'll change the mind or be persuaded through peaceful means. For a Mario series villain, this is pretty much hopeless, most of them are either insane, chose to be evil and boast about it in the process, or are forces of darkness themselves. It's either their opponent 'dies', or they 'die', no middle ground. Similarly, the whole end of the multiverse scenario in Super Paper Mario. This isn't just the end of the world and everyone dies, like the events in various other apocalypse stories. This is as if the entirety of existance didn't exist in the first place. There's no afterlife or possibility here like in many series, the good won't be rewarded by the standard infinite years of happiness and peace, because as you can tell from the Overthere and Underwhere, the afterlife consists of a dimension as well, and if Bleck's plan goes ahead, then it will too be wiped out of existance. Mario is the only hope, not just for people to be saved, but for there to be a reality in the first place. Makes religion, theology or philosophy in the Mario universe kind of pointless in that situation, what with the whole point that all that would be left of the promised afterlife you worked so hard to enter would be a blank white void, and since the world had 'never existed', there wouldn't even be a trace left of your efforts. That scenario makes any end of the world rubbish in some edgy 'adult' game look positively tame.
So yes, Mario ain't a happy go lucky utopia. Not in the slightest.
Waluigious: So yes, Mario ain't a happy go lucky utopia. Not in the slightest.
When it comes to the setting of the Mario series, and the storylines of the games, there has previously been a type of misconception made about what the series is like. Maybe it's the cheery looking graphics in many games, or the nostalgia filter making people only think of the NES game, but there has been a belief by many the series is somehow some utopic, peaceful series set in a perfect world and that every other video game series (or mainly, rip off mascot series like Sonic the freaking Hedgehog) are somehow 'cooler', or 'edgier' or 'darker' than the Mario series. Even the old Coin Heaven blog got in with the act with it's ranting article saying how the Mario series and primary colour palettes and what not means it looks kiddy or innocent or happy.
Hah! I don't think these fools have even played many of the Mario games outside Mario Party and Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games! Yes, Mario Party (especially 5 and onwards) have become saccarine coated to the point of tastes like diabetes in some cases (Sweet Dream? Toy Dream?), the crossover games are generally quite relaxed (but they're based on real world sports events for the setting, there's not much you can do without losing the Olympics license) and Mario Golf isn't exactly going to be seen as dark or terrifying (but golf as a sport is a relaxing affair in general and the game lives up to that). But look at the RPGs! Look at Luigi's Mansion! Look at the story to some degree even in the main series Mario games like Super Mario Galaxy! Those aren't just sugar coated dream land settings of happiness and sweetness and light, despite what some relatively uneducated non fans may say!
First up, the RPGs. It should be no surprise first of all that the Mario RPG games, have generally tended towards being some of the most dark and outright depressing affairs in the entire series. Not that it's a bad thing in the slightest, but there's a definite trend towards plain apocalypse settings in the Paper Mario and Mario and Luigi series, and villains far beyond what most people would expect in a so called 'child friendly' series. True, the standard villains in the main series aren't exactly a joke (or at least, they're less of a joke than more that have undergone villain decay like King Dedede from the Kirby series), but characters like Bowser and Wario are not particularly... menacing in any form. The Paper Mario villains though... probably kick dogs for a living, cross the moral event horizon in four minutes and if not funny in the process, would be seen as complete monsters. Take Dimentio for example... he's funny with his sayings and metaphors, but if you take it a bit... more seriously, he's pretty much a creepy psychopath in his personality. He may have wrote the Dark Prognosticus! He may have wrote himself into the book so Count Bleck would hire him! He killed Mario and friends in broad day light in the middle of a cut scene, and basically manipulated everyone across the entire game. All that... while remaining perfectly cheery with creepy circus music in the background.
Indeed, it's somewhat creepy how calmly this guy can literally plan to kill off everyone. The other villains are much the same way. Fawful is a flat out megalomaniac narcissist, wanting to control the world and change everyone into what are basically clones of himself. The Shadow Queen could destroy the world, or at least plunge it into a few thousand years of darkness and ruin, the Shroobs want to invade and use the souls of the Mushroom people for what's basically fuel for UFOs (there's almost way too many possible comparisons with movies and depressing real life events here) and Smithy is probably the least family friendly villain in the series, at least in his speeches.
"Hurrumph! Better yet... Why don't YOU give me YOUR stars. Why, then I could easily conquer this world! Then we could get rid of wishes, and create a world filled with... WEAPONS!!"
You can almost see Fox News or some sensationalist tabloid panicking over that statement, at least if they had ever paid much attention to Super Mario RPG. One bet someone says it's corrupting the youth.
Hell, no mention of villains would go without Count Bleck, because he's one of the most serious, yet possibly sympathetic villains in the series. An all round nice person called Blumiere until he lost his loved one due to his father using dark magic to send her to another dimension, causing him to go insane, read the Dark Prognosticus and get corrupted into an almost pure evil Nietzsche wannabe. Hell, he apparently killed his entire tribe and family in revenge after this, at least if Mario Wiki is to be believed. But more importantly, he wanted to destroy the entire multiverse and all of existance after losing his sanity. He didn't even tell his followers this, saying he'd remake the worlds after destroying them. Finally, this villain eventually knew about Timpani, but even thought the entire idea of changing his mind was useless, being completely fatalist and saying how he could only close the Void if he perished.
Not that the villains were the only depressing thing about the games of course. Mario and Luigi Partners in Time for instance was full to the brim of sad moments and needless destruction. The whole scene in Hollijolli Village was a pretty sad example of this, an entire town getting obliterated by alien invaders (including the mayor, who looked suspiciously like Santa Claus) because of... being in the middle of a War of the Worlds type situation. The music playing does not help things in the least:
The most depressing Christmas music ever? It makes the setting creepy as heck.
Toad Town too, seeing a place in perfect order in the other two RPG games (and the Paper Mario series) being in complete ruin, with alien robots and monsters having taken over and the entire populace bar the owners of a single shop having been abducted by aliens. Same kind of music and feeling here:
The ending scenes even show it being blasted to pieces by the Shroobs and the Toads running for their lives in every which direction.
Indeed, it seems this game has the least happy sounding music in the entire series, if the final boss music is to be believed:
Not however that the other Mario RPGs don't come close. Paper Mario The Thousand Year Door for instance has a setting of a town controlled by the mafia (yazuka in Japanese versions) and a street gang, with corruption and crime at massive levels. It has a sailor (Bobbery) driven temporarily to alcohol after losing his wife while at sea. It has a conspiracy in a wrestling establishment involving missing persons and conspiracies, and let's not even go into what the final boss scenes are like, with the populace worried about whether there would even be a future for them if Mario doesn't defeat the Shadow Queen.
It's also quite heart warming as well.
But let's not forget. It's not just the RPG games with their depressing stories and 'deep' characters which make the Mario series far darker than anything else, the main series has it in abundance. Luigi's Mansion is a good example here. Sure, the ghosts look cartoony, but the effects and general atmosphere doesn't (and the black out is plain creepy). It's a creepy game, I've got to give it that, and keep in mind the way many of the ghosts died and such alone is quite... different from the Mario series norm, especially considering many of them are seemingly human, or were until their untimely deaths. And Bogmire, who's plain weird:
A product of the mansion's fear and despair. He's not sure who to fear or what to despair these days.
Not even counting the glitch which makes it seem as if Luigi's shadow has been hanged.
Super Mario Bros itself isn't completely immune to being a dark, seriously series either, at least the first game. Note the bit about the Mushroom People being turned into blocks, or mushrooms, or horsehair plants. Note the latter are Fire Flowers, and it seems there's quite some moral dissonance going on, with him Mario being a possible killer (although Wario did the same in Wario Land 3).
Super Mario Bros 3 brings us the literal hell setting in Bowser's realm of darkness, what with all the flames, skulls, ghostly apparitions of Princess Peach and the general war like territory. Interesting point you never consider here of course... was it like that before Bowser took over?
Super Mario 64 has the killer piano which hardly anyone expects the first time around, the killer fish, the eel... Heck, many of the untold mysteries such as that of the 'swimming beast in the lagoon' apparently being a carnivore, or the portals going from levels to the courtyard or mysterious passages which don't lead anywhere in levels.
Super Mario Sunshine has the possibly off Hotel Delfino and Manta Storm, and Super Mario Galaxy is quite serious indeed. You've got Mario when he's electrocuted and turned into a skeleton for a brief time, you've got the war like settings of the Battlerock and Dreadnought Galaxies with their electric fences, cannons and laser weapons, and to a degree, even the Bonefin Galaxy with Kingfin as the boss is far creepier than anything in a Sonic the Hedgehog game or what not.
Nice Jaws first person perspective, not to mention the creepy eye beams...
Finally, to wrap it all up, note something I thought was quite philosophically scary about the series. No permanent death. Things like Mushrooms mean that morality and such like to an extent becomes meaningless, and punishments become useless. Also note that unlike most other series, the villains are not repentant. Sure, Bowser is seen as harmless, but he's sure determined, and he won't change his mind. For a so called 'realistic' or 'edgy' series, you can negotiate with the main villain, or hope they'll change the mind or be persuaded through peaceful means. For a Mario series villain, this is pretty much hopeless, most of them are either insane, chose to be evil and boast about it in the process, or are forces of darkness themselves. It's either their opponent 'dies', or they 'die', no middle ground. Similarly, the whole end of the multiverse scenario in Super Paper Mario. This isn't just the end of the world and everyone dies, like the events in various other apocalypse stories. This is as if the entirety of existance didn't exist in the first place. There's no afterlife or possibility here like in many series, the good won't be rewarded by the standard infinite years of happiness and peace, because as you can tell from the Overthere and Underwhere, the afterlife consists of a dimension as well, and if Bleck's plan goes ahead, then it will too be wiped out of existance. Mario is the only hope, not just for people to be saved, but for there to be a reality in the first place. Makes religion, theology or philosophy in the Mario universe kind of pointless in that situation, what with the whole point that all that would be left of the promised afterlife you worked so hard to enter would be a blank white void, and since the world had 'never existed', there wouldn't even be a trace left of your efforts. That scenario makes any end of the world rubbish in some edgy 'adult' game look positively tame.
So yes, Mario ain't a happy go lucky utopia. Not in the slightest.
Waluigious: So yes, Mario ain't a happy go lucky utopia. Not in the slightest.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Guest Post: Rampant Narcissism Among Mario Series Villains
Hey, paisanos! Have you missed Waluigious? Me too. Anyway, here's a guest post from avid reader, commenter, and affiliate blogger cheat-master30 concerning megalomania in the world of Mario evildudes. Enjoy!
With more and more Mario games being released, it seems one thing has gotten quite common among villains, the tendency to be outright consumed by their ego and overly narcissistic personality. From Bowser and his tendency to have Bowser faces and likenesses as common decorations through his castle and general realm of Dark Land, to the Shake King and his love of using his own face as the logo in a true Jolly Roger flag sense, many Mario characters seem to have a rather inflated sense of self importance.
It all seems to have started, at least in release date order, with Bowser and his conquest of the Mushroom Kingdom that first time back in Super Mario Bros 1. Here, you didn't really have the over the top, garish statues of Super Mario Bros 3 and World, nor the fancy face styled decorations on the castles, but you did have 7 fake Bowsers (more in the sequel, sometimes in the middle of normal castle levels with no axe nearby), all of which looked identically until burnt and sent to a fiery doom.
But it only spiraled out of control since there. Bowser has since got statues made his likeness (many shoot laser beams or breathe fire for that extra Evil Overlord edge), and his face plastered all over the front of castles. Super Mario Bros 3 seems to have brought this on, introducing the laser shooting statues and the gigantic paintings of the not so jolly Koopa King that litter his numerous castles. Super Mario World kept it going, with the statues that shoot fire at Mario or Luigi, and even took it to an all new height of vanity with the fifty foot neon sign on the front of his castle saying 'BOWSER'. Ah well, at least he never went as far as the cartoons, where his castle was called the 'Coney Island Disco Palace' and sounded more like a nightclub than an evil overlord lair.
But his stylings went further. Soon, he his entire face plastered on front of his castle, along with decorations shaped like other parts of his body (only Bowser would design a palace with his head as the front gate). Or the roof was designed like a spiky Koopa Shell. Or that giant Mecha Bowser was rattling back and forth and blasting huge blasts of flame down the expansive passageways. Even the wall markings were of him and Bowser Jr, the throne bear his image, and the rugs... well, they were based on him alright.
Super Mario Galaxy continued a trend. Airships now had his face on the front (didn't he realize that those faces were not vanity related, but meant to scare people?), and his face crossed with two swords as the pirate flag.
Usually, this quirk would be kept to the main villain, with minor villains deciding to keep a somewhat reasonable set of aims and a reason view of their own impressiveness. But you'd be wrong, the other villains in the series, especially the RPG series kept it going all right, to the point some of them actually managed to out perform Bowser.
First there was Princess Shroob and the Shroob army, plastering their face and... unique style on the entire landscape. You really wonder now whether their planet originally looked like a purple mushroom, right? They also started the time honoured tradition of taking away their rival leader's fancy stylings and replacing it with their own, taking over Princess Peach's Castle and turning it into a nightmare realm with more than a hint of purple and green in the palette. Princess Peach statues became statues of the Shroob Princess, and the Mushroom styled floors became Shroob styled.
But two villains went even further. The Shake King in Wario Land The Shake Dimension apparently loved himself a tad too much, what with that blatantly obvious flag and ship front designed after himself and complete with beard. Of course, this stuff was already down by Bowser in Galaxy, so some people may be asking what's so impressive about this guy. Well, it takes a quick trip to Glittertown/Neon City to figure out why. He has his face in neon lights in the background. I'm sorry, but you don't do that unless you're a villain with far too much self confidence (see, Mr Burns and his casino in The Simpsons), and I doubt most people think the Shake King is even remotely interesting enough to look at when coloured in bright purple, green and yellow all over town. Then again, most people don't live in places with a self destruct timer or a caged Merfle, or where slot machines give out live explosives either, which gives the impression of an egopolis designed in one individual's delusions of grandeur.
Finally, you have Fawful. He's already a bit crazy with the mad science in Superstar Saga, but his self image is beyond even this level of mad. He talks about his battle as if it were some television event complete with Lakitu camera crew and spotlights, then goes further in Bowser's Inside Story to the point of craziness. Every enemy is designed after Fawful. Every monster has his grotesque slasher smile permanently on it's face, implying massive mind control over about half the continent. Robots designed in his self image lurk the hijacked Princess Peach's Castle, and that smile is EVRYWHERE. On the statues of Peach, the rugs, the walls... He even hijacked Bowser, putting his glasses on each of Bowser's ego styled possessions.
Sadly, it goes on. His face is on the front of a train for goodness sake! And the brainwashed Koopa Troop treat him like a pop star, with shouts of 'All Hail Lord Fawful' and 'We must defend Lord Fawful!' On a non related note, why do three quarters of lunatics with world domination ambitions call themselves 'Lord' whoever anyway? Isn't that becoming a cliche villain title?
Excited crowd! You feel it?
I am needing to feel it even more, though!
MORE!
MOOORE!
Oh, I am feeling the power! It high-fives Fawful's face!
I HAVE CHORTLES!
Is there a reason why more villains seem to be clinically insane and obsessed with their own image in this series? Bowser's bad enough, but Fawful's downright deranged. Ah well, every other video game villain or other media bad guy with far too much money to throw around seems to get hit by this, maybe it's a signature thing for a bad guy?
~Waluigious: And now, a round of applause for Lord Cheatmaster XXX!
With more and more Mario games being released, it seems one thing has gotten quite common among villains, the tendency to be outright consumed by their ego and overly narcissistic personality. From Bowser and his tendency to have Bowser faces and likenesses as common decorations through his castle and general realm of Dark Land, to the Shake King and his love of using his own face as the logo in a true Jolly Roger flag sense, many Mario characters seem to have a rather inflated sense of self importance.
It all seems to have started, at least in release date order, with Bowser and his conquest of the Mushroom Kingdom that first time back in Super Mario Bros 1. Here, you didn't really have the over the top, garish statues of Super Mario Bros 3 and World, nor the fancy face styled decorations on the castles, but you did have 7 fake Bowsers (more in the sequel, sometimes in the middle of normal castle levels with no axe nearby), all of which looked identically until burnt and sent to a fiery doom.
But it only spiraled out of control since there. Bowser has since got statues made his likeness (many shoot laser beams or breathe fire for that extra Evil Overlord edge), and his face plastered all over the front of castles. Super Mario Bros 3 seems to have brought this on, introducing the laser shooting statues and the gigantic paintings of the not so jolly Koopa King that litter his numerous castles. Super Mario World kept it going, with the statues that shoot fire at Mario or Luigi, and even took it to an all new height of vanity with the fifty foot neon sign on the front of his castle saying 'BOWSER'. Ah well, at least he never went as far as the cartoons, where his castle was called the 'Coney Island Disco Palace' and sounded more like a nightclub than an evil overlord lair.
But his stylings went further. Soon, he his entire face plastered on front of his castle, along with decorations shaped like other parts of his body (only Bowser would design a palace with his head as the front gate). Or the roof was designed like a spiky Koopa Shell. Or that giant Mecha Bowser was rattling back and forth and blasting huge blasts of flame down the expansive passageways. Even the wall markings were of him and Bowser Jr, the throne bear his image, and the rugs... well, they were based on him alright.
Super Mario Galaxy continued a trend. Airships now had his face on the front (didn't he realize that those faces were not vanity related, but meant to scare people?), and his face crossed with two swords as the pirate flag.
Usually, this quirk would be kept to the main villain, with minor villains deciding to keep a somewhat reasonable set of aims and a reason view of their own impressiveness. But you'd be wrong, the other villains in the series, especially the RPG series kept it going all right, to the point some of them actually managed to out perform Bowser.
First there was Princess Shroob and the Shroob army, plastering their face and... unique style on the entire landscape. You really wonder now whether their planet originally looked like a purple mushroom, right? They also started the time honoured tradition of taking away their rival leader's fancy stylings and replacing it with their own, taking over Princess Peach's Castle and turning it into a nightmare realm with more than a hint of purple and green in the palette. Princess Peach statues became statues of the Shroob Princess, and the Mushroom styled floors became Shroob styled.
But two villains went even further. The Shake King in Wario Land The Shake Dimension apparently loved himself a tad too much, what with that blatantly obvious flag and ship front designed after himself and complete with beard. Of course, this stuff was already down by Bowser in Galaxy, so some people may be asking what's so impressive about this guy. Well, it takes a quick trip to Glittertown/Neon City to figure out why. He has his face in neon lights in the background. I'm sorry, but you don't do that unless you're a villain with far too much self confidence (see, Mr Burns and his casino in The Simpsons), and I doubt most people think the Shake King is even remotely interesting enough to look at when coloured in bright purple, green and yellow all over town. Then again, most people don't live in places with a self destruct timer or a caged Merfle, or where slot machines give out live explosives either, which gives the impression of an egopolis designed in one individual's delusions of grandeur.
Sadly, it goes on. His face is on the front of a train for goodness sake! And the brainwashed Koopa Troop treat him like a pop star, with shouts of 'All Hail Lord Fawful' and 'We must defend Lord Fawful!' On a non related note, why do three quarters of lunatics with world domination ambitions call themselves 'Lord' whoever anyway? Isn't that becoming a cliche villain title?
Excited crowd! You feel it?
I am needing to feel it even more, though!
MORE!
MOOORE!
Oh, I am feeling the power! It high-fives Fawful's face!
I HAVE CHORTLES!
Is there a reason why more villains seem to be clinically insane and obsessed with their own image in this series? Bowser's bad enough, but Fawful's downright deranged. Ah well, every other video game villain or other media bad guy with far too much money to throw around seems to get hit by this, maybe it's a signature thing for a bad guy?
~Waluigious: And now, a round of applause for Lord Cheatmaster XXX!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
In Which A Musilyrical Comparison
A new decade has begun. The 2000's were great years, giving us such gems as Paper Mario, Paper Mario 2, and Super Paper Mario, as well as less welcome presents like Yoshi Topsy-Turvy, Wario: Master of Disguise and the economic recession. The GameCube came and went, Nintendo was pronounced dead and later thoroughly pwned the competition, and finally, the "Mario and Sonic" franchise was founded out of pure greed and corruption.
I have said enough bad things about Sonic's ilk on this blog, but this time, I will just use a song from that series as an example of mainstream video game music with lyrics - in order to compare it with the Mario way of handling those. So, to make it clear, I'm not bashing Sonic, I'm criticizing the prevalent mediocrity of the medium... which "coincidentally" "just happens" to be visible in Sonic.
Haven't you always dreamt of escaping some kind of city? To leave the rat race behind you, to find a nice forest or beach and watch the sunset undisturbed so you can beat your own highscore in Oil Panic? This feeling seems to be universal, and two games as different as Sonic Adventure 2 and Wario Ware: Smooth Moves both have a song dedicated to this topic. Let's have a listen...
The creatively-named "Escape From The City", which plays in the "City Escape" stage, is all-equalizer-bands-maxed rock, with adrenaline drums and a singer in his party years. With this music, you get PUMPED! You want to RUN! To BRING IT ON! To make some rad rollerskate ollies while tagging your G-dudes with a graffiti, or something. This song says, "You ain't got pep if you ain't got tinnitus!"
Who needs cool if you have happy? This high-fructose corn sugar-sweet song is perfect for children of the world to dance inspirationally through flower fields to. The female singer and the kid chorus seem to be right out of a preschooler show, but the lyrics make surprisingly much sense in context, and even mention Diamond City! Warning: the optimism level in this song is dangerous to have in our bleak and nasty world.
How do these compare? Let's start with the lyrics. Acoustic The Hedgehog's song is so dynamic it bursts - every line mentions rapid movement. "Must keep on moving ahead!" In fact, your blood pressure gets so high you almost overhear the weird disposition Sonic has towards planning. "Guess what lies ahead, only one way to find out! ... No time for guessing, follow my plan instead. ... I don't care what lies ahead ... Trust me and we will escape from the city." So, Mr. The Rodent has a plan, but doesn't care what happens, but is eager to find it out... quoi?
This is what's wrong with today's music: the lack of holistic thought in the songs, resulting in contradictions in the big picture and ultimately senselessness of the message. As you listen to it, the words help set the atmosphere, but shouldn't the melody do that already? In video games, lyrics are distracting and should be used sparingly, to tell a story and not just to ramble on. "Take my lead, I'll set you free. Follow me, set me free." Oh, reciprocal free-setting, wonder how this works! Is this like the public/private key encryption thing? Or metaphorical like Androcles and the Lion? Sadly, no, it's just disregard for the listeners' intelligence.
While Tomorrow Hill isn't a magnum opus of lyricsmithing either, at least the song tells a little story of someone who likes getting out of the busy city to spend the time away on a secluded hill, and that the fact that the hill is so peaceful gives that person hope. "Concrete, traffic, streetlights, they all fade away ... As I approach the blue sky ... Feathery clouds in my eyes ... Already said my goodbyes" This one can almost be constructed as something deep, like committing suicide, but we don't want to taint our happy thoughts- oh, too late. Oops. At any rate, this beats "Find the next stage, no matter what that may be."
Now for the rhythm and melody part. I am no means an expert, but doesn't the Chronic Adventure tune strike you as repetitive? There's an oversaturation of sound, that weird feeling that the song is supposed to have a break sometime, but it doesn't. Of course, this is nothing compared to the loudness war and the clipping in modern rock music, but for the delicate ears of someone who listens to less-"hardcore" material, this seems only unnecessarily distracting for a video game. And although I am fully aware most people under 60 will disagree with me, I find the concept of electric guitars and drums to be the only instruments in a song both boring and trite.
Again, no one is claiming the Wario Ware song is of Bach's Musikalisches Opfer caliber, but it has a) a melody that is changing over the course of the song, b) whistling and chorus for variety, c) instruments actually enter and exit, unlike those guitars! It's as if the composer actually sat down and thought of a story and a fitting way to represent it in notes, instead of repeating "Fast. Run. No matter what." while jotting down "This is the bass, these are the riffs" before going to lunch and having a double coffee with extra coffee.
What can be induced from this? Video games are better off with music without lyrics - at least the non-cutscene parts - but when are really intent on pulling it through, better make sure it's not a pain to listen to and sounds like you cared about making it have meaning. A background song is not a feature song on a record, so don't try to make it overtake the gameplay.
Your opinion? Waluigious has no idea of "the scene"? Mona Pizza beats Tomorrow Hill any day? All comments are welcome!
~Waluigious: Danger is lurking around every turn, I packed a cupcake to sweeten up my view.
I have said enough bad things about Sonic's ilk on this blog, but this time, I will just use a song from that series as an example of mainstream video game music with lyrics - in order to compare it with the Mario way of handling those. So, to make it clear, I'm not bashing Sonic, I'm criticizing the prevalent mediocrity of the medium... which "coincidentally" "just happens" to be visible in Sonic.
Haven't you always dreamt of escaping some kind of city? To leave the rat race behind you, to find a nice forest or beach and watch the sunset undisturbed so you can beat your own highscore in Oil Panic? This feeling seems to be universal, and two games as different as Sonic Adventure 2 and Wario Ware: Smooth Moves both have a song dedicated to this topic. Let's have a listen...
How do these compare? Let's start with the lyrics. Acoustic The Hedgehog's song is so dynamic it bursts - every line mentions rapid movement. "Must keep on moving ahead!" In fact, your blood pressure gets so high you almost overhear the weird disposition Sonic has towards planning. "Guess what lies ahead, only one way to find out! ... No time for guessing, follow my plan instead. ... I don't care what lies ahead ... Trust me and we will escape from the city." So, Mr. The Rodent has a plan, but doesn't care what happens, but is eager to find it out... quoi?
This is what's wrong with today's music: the lack of holistic thought in the songs, resulting in contradictions in the big picture and ultimately senselessness of the message. As you listen to it, the words help set the atmosphere, but shouldn't the melody do that already? In video games, lyrics are distracting and should be used sparingly, to tell a story and not just to ramble on. "Take my lead, I'll set you free. Follow me, set me free." Oh, reciprocal free-setting, wonder how this works! Is this like the public/private key encryption thing? Or metaphorical like Androcles and the Lion? Sadly, no, it's just disregard for the listeners' intelligence.
While Tomorrow Hill isn't a magnum opus of lyricsmithing either, at least the song tells a little story of someone who likes getting out of the busy city to spend the time away on a secluded hill, and that the fact that the hill is so peaceful gives that person hope. "Concrete, traffic, streetlights, they all fade away ... As I approach the blue sky ... Feathery clouds in my eyes ... Already said my goodbyes" This one can almost be constructed as something deep, like committing suicide, but we don't want to taint our happy thoughts- oh, too late. Oops. At any rate, this beats "Find the next stage, no matter what that may be."
Now for the rhythm and melody part. I am no means an expert, but doesn't the Chronic Adventure tune strike you as repetitive? There's an oversaturation of sound, that weird feeling that the song is supposed to have a break sometime, but it doesn't. Of course, this is nothing compared to the loudness war and the clipping in modern rock music, but for the delicate ears of someone who listens to less-"hardcore" material, this seems only unnecessarily distracting for a video game. And although I am fully aware most people under 60 will disagree with me, I find the concept of electric guitars and drums to be the only instruments in a song both boring and trite.
Again, no one is claiming the Wario Ware song is of Bach's Musikalisches Opfer caliber, but it has a) a melody that is changing over the course of the song, b) whistling and chorus for variety, c) instruments actually enter and exit, unlike those guitars! It's as if the composer actually sat down and thought of a story and a fitting way to represent it in notes, instead of repeating "Fast. Run. No matter what." while jotting down "This is the bass, these are the riffs" before going to lunch and having a double coffee with extra coffee.
What can be induced from this? Video games are better off with music without lyrics - at least the non-cutscene parts - but when are really intent on pulling it through, better make sure it's not a pain to listen to and sounds like you cared about making it have meaning. A background song is not a feature song on a record, so don't try to make it overtake the gameplay.
Your opinion? Waluigious has no idea of "the scene"? Mona Pizza beats Tomorrow Hill any day? All comments are welcome!
~Waluigious: Danger is lurking around every turn, I packed a cupcake to sweeten up my view.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
In Which There's No Looking Back
New Super Mario Bros. - no, not the new one, the old New Super Mario Bros. - irony? I don't see any irony - anyway, ONSMB for the DS has, as has long been public knowledge, a challenge mode accessible from the map screens by inputting the magical code L, R, L, R, X, X, Y, Y while having the game paused (after beating the final boss). This experimental feature gives Old New SMB the flair of Old Old SMB, i.e. SMB, by allowing the screen to only scroll right (or up in case of vertical levels). It's pretty easy to get stuck using this, however, as the levels weren't exactly built for backtracking to be purely optional.
A spin on this idea would be not restricting the screen, but the controls of the player - what happens if the "Left" direction on the controller is disabled? Obviously precision platforming becomes much more difficult, as there is no way to adjust jumps in mid-air, and Mario's skidding, however negligible it is during normal play, becomes painfully perceptible and reason for many lost lives. On the other hand, this sort of physics is a tad more realistic than standard Mario fare - try changing your own jump direction after taking off.
On Waluigious shorter-entry sub-blog, I pondered the idea of playing through the entire game like this, and I did. On my perilous one-way journey, I counted the minimum number of times the Left button had to be pressed in the different levels - though I am certain someone playing with more power could cut some of these down, as I was neither assisted by any tools nor did I try any glitchy exploits that hackers surely found heaving mounds of. For reference: all of these apply only when starting the level with Small Mario or Super Mario, without any extra items. Special power-ups may only be used if they're found within the stage in question. All of you are welcome to take the challenge and improve on the Waluigious score!
What follows is a list of all levels with their minimum amount of left-presses, along with optional remarks. Since they have no official names besides those awful strategy guide uncreativisms like "Hilly Hills", the old Waluigious tradition of attempting to name them will be continued. Let's-a go to the right-a!
World 1: Mushroom Kingdom's Backyard - 0
1-1: A Smashing Start - 0
1-2: I See, I Saw, I Spelunked - 0
1-3: Mushrooms On The Move - 0
1-Tower: You Flatten Me - 0
This one is the first where it is necessary to move left at some point. Here, our old friend, the wall jump, comes in handy. It's possible to go back quite a distance just from the rebound - extending this with frequent jump exploits the inertia even more. Reaching the pipe-cannon towards the end is tricky because the ledge to its right is only 1 block wide and stops almost all attempts. Small Mario can do it, however.
1-4: The Knolls Of The Mini - 0
1-5: Shroompoline Heights - 0
1-A: Teamwork Shark Offensive - 0
1-Castle: Tightrope Or Toast - 0
One of the most straightforward castles. Bowser at the end also can be beaten just by running right. Surprisingly, Mushroom Kingdom's Backyard is not the only world possible to complete without pressing Left even once.
World 2: Old Desert Road - 2
2-1: Pokey Blockade - 0
2-2: This Is Lakitu Country - 0
2-3: Down The Desert Drain - 1
It would have been zero if it wasn't for those meddling one-way gates! One is blocking your way to the left near the beginning of the level, and it stops Mario dead in his tracks while opening, so no cheating past it without pressing the dread button! It is, however, possible to pass the !-block puzzle at the end just with wall jumps - or just take a hit from that Piranha Plant.
2-A: Oasis Flight - 0
2-4: Dynamic Dunes - 0
2-Tower: Rotation Frustration - 1
There's a ledge located in such an inopportune location that it's very unlikely that it can be reached any other way than by hanging from the rope above and going *shudder* left.
2-5: The Day The Blocks Revolted - 0
2-6: Dusty Rides With Floral Company - 0
2-Castle: Site Of Mummipokey's Tomb - 0
Also quite a low-brainer. Mummipokey is enclosed by very nice walls that allow you to move about easily, so this boss fight is no problem.
World 3: Fork Road Island - 1 (2)
3-1: A Cheep Challenge - 0
3-A: Surface Tension - 0 (1)
Normally, this does require at least one trip left after activating the underwater red switch, but with extreme luck it is possible to jump off the two Skeeters and land on the next ledge.
3-2: Fungal Transportation - 0
3-Tower: Two Sides To The Story - 0
Though it's not necessary to ever press the forbidden direction, the amount of wall jumps and careful planning needed is quite high. These Koopas do have a tendency to disrespect your irrational, self-imposed challenges.
3-B: Pipe Down, Up, Left And Right - 0
3-3: Blooper Channel - 0
3-Ghost: It's Rude To Stair - 1
Just like with the Shamwow, you'll be saying "Wow" every time you try this without going left. The amount of precision wall-jump-extension coupled with the time limits is nothing for the weak of thumb. Only once do you really have to turn to Communism, though - at the last stair in the first room. Since the left incline is too steep to allow inertia jumping, you'll have to press on.
3-C: Don't Fret The Spike Bass - 0
3-Castle: Whomp Cameo Zone - 0
The castle is uneventful, as is the whole of Fork Road Island excepting the Ghost House. Cheepskipper can be beaten by just standing in one place and jumping on top of him. Even Morton in SMW wasn't that easy!
World 4: Forest Of Pollution - 4
4-1: Marioverse's Australia - 0
4-2: Unstable Equilibrium - 0
4-3: That's A Moray - 0
4-Tower: Don't Stop In The Name Of Lava - 3
Three, folks! That's the result of the extremely non-wall-jump friendly layout of the level - rising magma AND hang grids! I'm pretty sure that this can somehow be reduced to 2 with a clever enough strategy, but this level is a pure nightmare for live cartridge play.
4-4: Wiggler Underwood - 0
The part where you have to jump up a 1-block-wide shaft is extremely tricky. Since the only way to get on top of the block beneath it is to bounce off the right wall - which is over a pit, obstructed by a power-up block, AND a long distance away, you can only try to find the perfect combination of jumps with Small Mario.
4-A: Lake Suddendeath - 0
4-Ghost: Balloon Boo Blowhards - 1
A pipe that goes left! What audacity! What disrespect of ancient Super Mario Bros. tradition! The Boos don't make the rest of the level easier, either.
4-5: Demolition Mine - 0
4-6: The Monster Of Loch DS - 0
4-Castle: Pandemonium Pendulums - 0
While everyone in their right mind would take the left way up, it's impossible to wall-jump off a left wall for us, so we have to endure the hard route. Luckily, the Mega Goomba is a pushover.
World 5: Snow Doubt An Ice World - 0
This is the second only-right world, unexpectedly late in the game.
5-1: Snowball Effect - 0
5-2: Ice Cave Of Time - 0
This level is absolutely brutal to this challenge as the lack of friction makes trying to dodge enemies next to fruitless. Walk very, very slowly. Ground Pound to stop moving.
5-A: Horizontal Fungi Extension - 0
5-Tower: Lift Of Perforation - 0
Did I say 5-2 was brutal? This is WAY more brutal. If this doesn't teach you to make pixel-perfect wall jumps, nothing will. Ninja training's got nothing on 5-Tower during this challenge.
5-3: Escargots On Glace - 0
5-Ghost: Croozin' For A Broozin' - 0
For a level that's as vertical as this one, it's quite surprising that no left-going is required. A tight spot just before the haunted elevator is best tackled with Small Mario.
5-B: Fridge Demographic - 0
5-C: Create And Destroy - 0
5-4: Vertical Fungi Extension - 0
5-Castle: Conveyor Surprises - 0
Excuse the redundancy, but this is even more brutal than 5-2 and 5-Tower together. The conveyor belts are not your friends. The only way to skip a belt that would otherwise force you to use Left is to jump under the preceding one, and run directly into a Piranha Plant. Such is life. Petey at the end can be quite annoying, too, but he's not the hardest boss in this challenge.
World 6: Cross It If You Canyon - 9
6-1: Bullet Bill Blaster Breach - 1
A mandatory wall-jump off a left wall to proceed. Have they no dignity?
6-A: Quicksand Gulch - 0
6-2: Spiny Tide Ravine - 0
6-Tower1: Spiked Bar Sinister - 2
The deadly bars stick out of the walls, preventing wall jumps in crucial places. There might be a way to reduce this to 1, but that would require the reflexes of a tool-assisted god on energy drinks.
6-3: Hazardous Forest Peak - 0
6-4: Blazing Cliffs - 1
Again with the left wall-jumps. No one thinks of the nerds who replay this game with nothing better to do that avoid the "Left" button.
6-Tower2: Assembly Line Of Terror - 5
FIVE? This level is a complete fiasco. The conveyors limit movement so often that this challenge almost makes no sense. You could try to beat the number, though.
6-5: Deep-Cheep River - 0
6-B: Swinging Glacier - 0
6-6: Chomp Mountain - 1
Near the end of the level is a collection of cannon pipes, going from the lower right to the upper left. It is impossible to get from one pipe to the next without holding down the accursed arrow.
6-Castle: Shifting Perceptions - 0
The last jump of the castle is very hard, since the rock platform must be pushed all the way out the moment you land on it - not taking into account the time to slide down the wall and airtime - and if you have the bad luck to be on top of it when it retracts fully, you have to start all over again. The Monty Tank battle is the most tedious one in this challenge - you have to wait until he comes very close to you, then jump on top of the cannon, get shaken down to the left of him, and try to hit him without ending up on the right side again.
World 7: Cirrus Stratus Cumulus - 5
7-1: Riding Sky Lines - 0
7-Ghost: Spirit Of SMW - 0
7-2: He Rose Too Far - 0
This level is pure suffering. The platform MUST, MUST be kept straight, if you want to have any chance of coming out alive - and one tip - jump and wrap to the right after coming out of the pipe. Watching this, you realize mankind's folly in trying to rise higher than they should.
7-3: All Aboard The Heavenly Wiggler - 0
7-Tower: Impaling Fortress - 1
At some point, the blocks move too erratically to support neutral jumping. Maybe there's a way around that, but I was too terrified to come back.
7-4: High On Mushrooms - 2
While it is possible, with a combination of clever techniques, to make it all the way up to where most mushrooms end without pressing Left, there's no wall to save you in the last screw jump - which, to add insult to injury, requires you to go left, then right, then left.
7-5: Plainly Explosive - 0
7-6: Koopa Overload - 0
7-7: Classic Athletic - 1
When the first line-following platform falls, there's no way to continue left far enough to keep up with the screen. Also, the tiers of the pyramid-like structure need to be jumped up from right to left.
7-A: Squiggler Plumbing Inc. - 0
Very surprising, but the Mini Shroom included in this level makes Wall Jumps from 1-block spaces possible, making even the S-shaped tunnel towards the end a joke.
7-Castle: NOT ROY'S not Roy's -1
Considering that Snake Blocks have the propensity to go backwards a lot, 1 is a very tame number of left-presses needed. Most loops can be mastered by just staying in place and jumping. Lakithunder is annoying to beat since you can't adjust jumps properly, but nothing of Monty Tank caliber.
World 8: Darn Land - many (13 without 8-Tower2)
Oooh, bleak one-word level names!
8-1: Nevermore - 0
8-2: Deluge - 4
Three underwater switches "conveniently" located on the right side of the screen, and one pipe that goes left. Also, Skeeters will kill you.
8-Tower1: Piston - 2
Once to reach the left side of the screen that's substantially higher than the right side, and once again after being pushed through a small gap, having no wall but spikes to rebound from.
8-3: Juggernaut - 2
The main Unagi-escaping part is very straighforward, but the rise leading up to eat has two left curves. Darn you, Darn Land!
8-4: Arachnophobia - 0
8-Castle1: Decoy - 0
8-5: Convection - 0
8-6: Eruption - 3
Maybe YOU can do less! The rising lava doesn't make those wall jumps easier.
8-7: Brothers - 0
8-8: Destruction - 0
8-Tower2: Snake - aaaaaaarrrrgghhhh
No. Just no. 8-Tower2 is
Anyway, this is a bad level for this challenge.
8-Castle2: Gravity - 2
The Three Little Thwomps room and the turned main hall both require the player to hold left, but at least it's not more than that - and Bowser is quite weaksaucy.
This concludes the naming and left-enumerating session. Any comments? Suggestions? Beat 8-Tower2 without not only Left, but also Right? I'm happy about every comment!
~Waluigious: Wait, that castle IS Roy's, what are you trying to-
Sunday, December 13, 2009
mariothoughts.waluigious.com
When you close your eyes, do you see Mario? When you look into the skies, do you think about Mario? When someone says, "I'm-a play some Atari-o" or "That Indian girl has a nice sari-o", do you mishear it as "Mario"? Then this blog just might be for you! Unsorted observations, musings and nerdy commentary on Mario's universe is only a fraction of what you'll be seeing there - links, art and more await. Think of it as Daily Waluigious, but less daily and more Waluigious.
Now, you might ask why this is necessary. Why not just write more actual Waluigious articles? Well, all the writers are occupied with higher education now - Computational Linguistics and Accounting don't allow five-hour stretches of creative time to do research for a full article very often. However, the shorter and more liberal style of the Mario Thoughts posts - note, posts, not articles! - leaves possibility to update more often and cover a much wider range of Mario topics. It's a win-win situation!
Mario Thoughts depends on your feedback just as much as the main blog does - we're happy about all comments, requests, responses, etc! There are already two posts there to give you a taste of the impending fun to be had.
~Waluigious: The Unbearable Lightness Of Getting 1-Ups.
Friday, December 4, 2009
In Which Frantic Is Not Intense
Even though Nuovi Fratelli Super Mario per Wii is more than a sufficient excuse to drop every other responsibility, Waluigious goes on, through all Ice Storms and Thunder Rages. After all, it's the magic season of consumerism and the holiday spirit fills us all with debt, or something.
Gameplay. Once the grand pillar of arcade and video gaming, demoted to just one of its several central factors with the advent of non-plug-ugly graphics and non-beepy sounds, finally buried in a pile of review score rubrics between "Cost of DLC" and "Annoyance of DRM". The video game business mostly stagnates, relying on sequels to the max and remakes for re-money. Nintendo has been trying to be the freshest firm around, but the recent economic crisis took its toll on their strategy as well. DSi LL? SMG two? It's like the model reusage days of Majora's Mask all over again! The point: gameplay is not the focus anymore.
What does a programmer do if he's not focusing on gameplay? He or she remembers that gameplay is about two things: choices and challenge. Without choices, a game is a straightforward test, an ordeal, a movie that you have to keep pressing buttons to watch or it ends. Without challenge, all goals are attainable easily enough that it's a glorified toy. Too many choices cause a sandbox overflow, too much challenge causes The Lost Levels. One of these things is easier to implement - just give the player different characters, or moves, or weapons, balance them out a bit so there's reason to not always use the same one, and you've got the choice part down.*
*Not really, this is very oversimplified. But balancing is not the point of this rant.
Challenge, however, is not a matter of linearly increasing the number, speed, strength or other properties of enemies onscreen. This got a free pass in the ancient Froggeroids 2KB game era, but now, with intelligent prosthetic limbs, Scribblenauts and quad-core processors around, there's no excuse not to make the game (here comes the title drop) intense instead of frantic as it progresses. However, not even all Mario games avoid that.
A good example of the difference between these can be observed on another Nintendo series - the Kirby games. If you ask any Kirby fans to pick out a subset of the franchise with a markedly different feel from the rest, they'll probably direct you to Kirby's Dream Land 2, 3, and Kirby 64, adding that they're "less dynamic, poyo". Indeed, these three were not directed by Masahiro "Interjection! Ha ha ha!" Sakurai, but by another enigmatic person called Shinichi Shimomura, who valued a more relaxed pacing and sacrificed the immense size of the copy ability arsenal in order to come up with creative uses of Kirby's powers. While Kirby's Adventure and Super Star overwhelm you with 5 enemies at once, resulting in a loss of health independent on the player's reaction time (except if it was downright godly), Shimomura's games had a more Mario-like enemy frequency and left the player with a satisfying sense of fairness. In short: Miracle Matter is intense, Nova and Marx are frantic.
Left: A timeless classic. Right: OMGWTFBBQ
Now it's Mario time. Historically, challenge has been handled quite well in the mainstream plumber series. Already SMB realized that enemies are only the beetroot in the delicious borscht of gameplay, with exciting environment obstacles being the potatoes and secrets being the spices and Bowser being the meat and this metaphor goes too far. Every level (well, except the duplicates) tries to present a new slice of Mario's world, with the hostile inhabitants being only one aspect of it, tinting it instead of defining it. In 4-1, Lakitu dominates the landscape, in 6-2, Piranha Plants harmoniously complement the pipe track, in 8-3, Hammer Bros. mobilize for one last attack. But in 6-3 or the castles, it is the locale itself that presents a much greater danger - and a danger that is far more exciting than just cranking up Paratroopa instances to 11.
In contrast to The Lost Levels, the challenging parts are far enough apart to give the player a fair chance to adjust their senses for the next one, instead of making them mash "Jump" wildly to stay on top of a 1-block platform after dodging two flying Bloopers and a counterclockwise Firebar. When an adrenaline rush turns into a heart attack, you're very far into frantic territory.
Super Mario Bros. 2 does have a few moments of less-than-fairness, like the Autobomb part or the Albatosses-albatossing-Bob-Ombs passage. Any example of randomized projectiles coming from the side of the screen too quickly and a limited ability to dodge them can be considered a sign of excess franticity. (More modern examples: Melty Molten Galaxy's meteor areas, the blue pollen in Bowser's Nose Deck.) This, coupled with the slot-based method of 1-up acquirement, makes SMB2 somewhat less fun, which probably resulted in it not being remembered as fondly as SMB3.
Though I am tired of everyone singing in an eternal chorus about how SMB3 is perfect to a fault, I must join in for a couple of lines and admit that the challenge balance of the Super Magnum Opus is the best I've seen, and most likely will see in a video game. From beginning to end, the game never takes cheap shots at you, and Dark Land is surely one of the hardest and most exciting parts in Mario history. The feeling of accomplishment from flying over the wall legitimately beating Bowser is overwhelming, and the design makes a great job of making you feel responsible for your own mistakes.
In fact, the same can be said about Super Mario World... this is getting monotonous, isn't it? The greatness of the canonic series becomes all the more apparent in direct comparison to the spin-offs. Donkey Kong up to Mario Bros. were model examples of "turn up" difficulty: more barrels, faster Trouble Bugs, more Shellcreepers etc. Mediocrity was abound in Super Mario Land, the awkward jumping physics of which caused many deaths by meanly-placed enemies, but which were fixed in SML2. Sadly, the "Land" series fell into the hands of Wario, who introduced the unique "trial-and-setback" type gameplay: you fail, you try again until your luck lets you get through the 15-obstacle corridor for once, and magically, no matter how good you are, your chances of failing less next time haven't grown!
Mario & Wario doesn't enjoy far-reaching popularity - partly because zombie escort missions in general are high on the list of most gamers' pet peeves, partly because no level had more to offer than the same enemies and flow control structures in higher-density configurations. You can handle two Pidgits? Here's 20 Pidgits. You think changing floors a few times via trampolines is trivial? Try an all-trampoline level. And don't get me started on Yoshi's Safari.
After this, it's easy to see how Super Mario 64 is one of the most-played games of all time. It doesn't have many enemies - oh no, it even has too few. The areas look half desolate, sometimes inspiring a sort of wistful loneliness... but exactly this is what makes out the greatest strength of SM64's approach to gameplay: freedom and exploration. A parallel to real life: is there more feeling of exploration and adventure in a crowded mall or on an abandoned factory site? The carefully weighted absence of characters expands the game world, contrary to all intuition. Super Mario 64 did not have to try to be good, it was effortlessly fun.
Not so with Super Mario Sunshine. Though not as bad as critics pan it to be, it was frantic in some places - Sirena Beach housing two bad offenders, the Manta Storm and the timed paint-removing mission that depended on the opaque goop behaviour and the game's own bizarre understanding of "clean".
Suddenly, mantas! Thousands of them!
The Phantamantas are so random and unfair that the designers were forced to scatter around 20 coins in the arena - with the possibility for an unlimited number of additional health refills - just so the player had a chance, since not only do the little creeps themselves shock Mario and throw him into a potential mob of their pals, their very traces hurt and paralyze him. If that's not frantic, what is?
RPGs, by their very nature, have difficulty being frantic unless they try really hard to let you run into a random encounter every two steps - and even though the Mario & Luigi series have a dynamic element to them that could be exploited in bad and unfun ways, so far the only examples of superhuman requirements are the fortunately optional Cholesteroad and Brique Madame challenges in Bowser's Inside Story. Super Paper Mario has its fair share of experiments with what constitutes "fun" (15 minutes of holding down a button, writing down long random sequences) and of course extremely irritating sections like the mirror Dimentio/Longadile corridor - but it saves itself with the fact that the characters level up so quickly that nothing is a real challenge outside of a speedrun.
For an example of how aggravating a game on the extreme frantic end of a scale is: Mario Pinball Land. A ball that is, for all intents and purposes, not controlled by you is supposed to a) visit seven sequential locations inside of several seconds, b) hit 15 enemies, all in an extremely tight time window, c) cooperate with two other balls to hit 30 targets in 30 seconds - does this sound like madness to you?
This... is... PINBALL! Note that the Bullet Bill counter is higher than the timer.
Luckily, the modern mainstream entries - SMG and NSMBWii - don't disappoint too much. Galaxy tries hard to always be fresh in its main missions, but still leaves a faint taste of treason in your mouth when you get to the purple coin stars, visualizing some director's "These last bits are for Waluigious-caliber nerds, they get re-recycled content and should be happy for it" paradigm. And NSMBWii has received a lot of polish, probably to make up for the length that for some unknown reason doesn't surpass plain old NSMB. A detailed review will follow.
Any opinions on this polarity? Or is it a concept of a wrongness rivaling the Time Cube? Your thoughts are welcome!
~Waluigious: TL;DR: Lots of enemies is unfair and bad, mmkay?
Monday, November 9, 2009
In Which Mario's Poem Of Bowser-Smiting
Once again, Bowser is challenging me.
I half-laugh, half-sigh at his stupidity.
Did he forget all the times he was bested?
The zero return on the force he invested
in building up armies and strongholds and traps
and lava and cannons and bottomless gaps.
He couldn't defeat me with magic or fire,
and won't ever win even when I retire.
I beat him in castles - Peach's and his own,
dropped him into magma, reduced him to bone,
fought him again when he was resurrected,
once more he plummeted down as expected.
With badly-placed axes his bridge I undid,
turned his weight against him after beating his kids,
threw robots and vanquished his flying machine,
I beat him orange, he started out green!
Around his arena the bombs did explode,
as I threw him into them on his Koopa Road
and his giant jacuzzi couldn't uphold his rump
when I Rocket Ground Pounded it with my water pump.
When he grew giant, that mess I undid,
I even remember doing that as a kid!
Does he really expect that old Kamek to win?
While he charges his magic, I just break his shins.
I remember I worried about one of his plots
involving the Star Rod and the power it's got,
its capture gave him such potential, and still
he lost to a "Peach Beam" and badge picking skill.
He appeared at the end of a challenging fight
against a space robot leader powered by spite,
with a witch that could heal (in a turn) eight HP!
But all that's an average Thursday to me.
At times, he gets suddenly friendly...er...ish...
and we work together for a mutual wish,
yet even in those situations of crisis
he'll attack me whenever opportunity rises.
Guided by thieves, Fawfuls, Shroobs? Just excuses!
None will protect him from numerous bruises.
And everyone with at least a third of a brain
would have realized I would just aim for the chain.
I beat him in soccer, in golf and in tennis,
even at tea parties he's not a menace,
I beat him in Melee, I beat him in Brawl,
his Giga form, so far, only made me lawl,
I beat him in board games of his own design,
From MP to MP8, and I'm certain, 9.
I beat him in everything from fencing to karts,
Baseball and pinball and curling and darts.
I beat him by pointing my 'Scope at his head,
I beat him after we both were quite dead!
I beat him and stomped him and spat in his face!
I beat him inside a swiss cheese star in space!
I beat him in one of his Koopa hotels!
I beat him from inside, his bones, guts and cells!
I BEAT HIM IN RACES, I BEAT HIM IN RUNS,
I BEAT HIM INFINITY TIMES PLUS ONCE...
One answer, though, I will never quite reach...
How did he kidnap me in Super Princess Peach?!
I half-laugh, half-sigh at his stupidity.
Did he forget all the times he was bested?
The zero return on the force he invested
in building up armies and strongholds and traps
and lava and cannons and bottomless gaps.
He couldn't defeat me with magic or fire,
and won't ever win even when I retire.
I beat him in castles - Peach's and his own,
dropped him into magma, reduced him to bone,
fought him again when he was resurrected,
once more he plummeted down as expected.
With badly-placed axes his bridge I undid,
turned his weight against him after beating his kids,
threw robots and vanquished his flying machine,
I beat him orange, he started out green!
Around his arena the bombs did explode,
as I threw him into them on his Koopa Road
and his giant jacuzzi couldn't uphold his rump
when I Rocket Ground Pounded it with my water pump.
When he grew giant, that mess I undid,
I even remember doing that as a kid!
Does he really expect that old Kamek to win?
While he charges his magic, I just break his shins.
I remember I worried about one of his plots
involving the Star Rod and the power it's got,
its capture gave him such potential, and still
he lost to a "Peach Beam" and badge picking skill.
He appeared at the end of a challenging fight
against a space robot leader powered by spite,
with a witch that could heal (in a turn) eight HP!
But all that's an average Thursday to me.
At times, he gets suddenly friendly...er...ish...
and we work together for a mutual wish,
yet even in those situations of crisis
he'll attack me whenever opportunity rises.
Guided by thieves, Fawfuls, Shroobs? Just excuses!
None will protect him from numerous bruises.
And everyone with at least a third of a brain
would have realized I would just aim for the chain.
I beat him in soccer, in golf and in tennis,
even at tea parties he's not a menace,
I beat him in Melee, I beat him in Brawl,
his Giga form, so far, only made me lawl,
I beat him in board games of his own design,
From MP to MP8, and I'm certain, 9.
I beat him in everything from fencing to karts,
Baseball and pinball and curling and darts.
I beat him by pointing my 'Scope at his head,
I beat him after we both were quite dead!
I beat him and stomped him and spat in his face!
I beat him inside a swiss cheese star in space!
I beat him in one of his Koopa hotels!
I beat him from inside, his bones, guts and cells!
I BEAT HIM IN RACES, I BEAT HIM IN RUNS,
I BEAT HIM INFINITY TIMES PLUS ONCE...
One answer, though, I will never quite reach...
How did he kidnap me in Super Princess Peach?!
~Waluigious: "It's-a Crazy!" is not part of our motto for nothing!
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Waluigious Instigation: Peachtelligence Quotient
Salut and bienvenue to another warped edition of Waluigious In(ve)stigation, this time with a view so controversial, a point so polarizing, an issue so disputed, that you just might not quite like it.
Once upon a time, while giving the Super Mario Wiki a casual browse and looking for typos to correct in a haughty and supercilious fashion, I came upon this gem of description: "Princess Peach is classy, kind, clever, and adventurous." I chortled so hard I almost choked on my Waluigi-style eggplant snack. Clever? Since the ROMhack when? She was kidnapped slightly over 9000 times mainly due to her own lack of foresight, judgment, attention, common sense, and general gray matter, and someone still calls her clever? "This demands rectification", I exclaimed and promptly set off to illustrate the wrongness of that belief with one of those custom Waluigious chart thingies.
And so, here we go.
(Click to see it in full.)
As you can plainly see, Peach's royal IQ has seen a steady overall decline since the inception of the character in 1985, when she still was "the question mark at the end of this game". Going from someone who could inspire compassion, the princess went on to become so clichéd and one-dimensional that any attempt to make people feel sorry for her being abducted would have failed. NPCs joke about it, Bowser jokes about it, even Mario jokes about it. The only one who doesn't really get the humour of the situation is, you guessed it, Peach.
A point-by-point explanation of that overly pink graph:
-Super Mario Bros.: Our princess, who is in another castle, doesn't have much of an on-screen appearance until a few seconds before the game restarts, but luckily we have the enclosed instruction book to consult concerning her background. Quoth the manual, nevermore: "The only one who can undo the magic spell on the Mushroom People and return them to their normal selves is the Princess Toadstool, the daughter of the Mushroom King". This would require powerful white magic that only a wise person would be able to possess, but seeing that in this draft of the Marioverse story, the strangely-singular "Koopa" use black magic and Peach has a father, this all got subjected to a mighty retcon.
-Super Mario Bros. 2 is "Sir Not Appearing In This Chart" since not only do none of the playables of this game show even the minutest amount of personality, but they also were just figments of Mario's subconscious. It's funny how you can strip a character of personification by making him/her playable.
-Super Mario Bros. 3: Now the princess is free for most of the plot, exhibiting some of the helpfulness you might expect from someone able to de-blockify a whole kingdom. In the kidnappings of the other monarchs it's visible how strong the enemy forces are, and how easy it therefore is for the evil Koopas to capture someone. Peach sends you useful and rare items, gives you valuable but poorly-worded hints at the Whistles' locations, it's all awesome... until she gets kidnapped. All the player sees of her afterwards is that gut-wrenchingly poor parody of the SMB "another castle" phrase, followed by "Just kidding! Ha ha ha! Bye bye." This is a substantial foreshadowing of what's going to happen to her IQ in the future.
-Super Mario World: Here, Peach neither has any magic-canceling value nor does she help you, save for the mushrooms in the final battle. In fact, she pretty much just gets kidnapped... 96 exits later, rescued. In fact, the game itself acknowledges this - saving her is merely an afterthought after all the Yoshi eggs, and the final castle is the shortest of all. She could be easily replaced by a chunk of Triforce, a sack of kittens, anything worth fighting a giant turtle in a flying cereal bowl for.
-Super Mario RPG: Square, ever the "Mario is a vehicle for our own practices" crowd, projects their time-tried "spunky princess" image onto Peach, making her sneak out of her castle to join therebels heroes and, of course, use magic - because pretty much everything in that game uses magic. As a side consequence of this, however, Peach becomes a somewhat bearable person - from the "Aim for the chain" in the beginning, until the final battles, she is not stupid at all. Yet again, pretty much everyone is bearable compared to Geno.
-Super Mario 64: Does anyone else find it suspicious that Peach tells Mario that she has already baked a cake for him, while after rescuing her, she still needs to bake it? But this is just one of the many things that are wrong with her. If the stars are that powerful, why keep them in paintings, holes, rabbits, blocks, etc. instead of, you know, using them against Bowser? The Koopa King himself isn't too smart, either, since he didn't figure out any way to use them effectively, as well. But Bowser's lack of brains is a topic for a whole 'nother article.
-Paper Mario: In this thin adventure, Peach is given one last attempt to be a non-obnoxiously-stupid character. The Peach between-chapters show her sneaking around, investigating, smuggling Mario some items from the castle, baking cake, answering quizzes, stealing identities etc. all by herself, since here she's paired with a character (Twink) who is absolutely useless except for his ability to fly, a talking messenger pigeon of sorts. Even in the final battle, her effort is visible when she focuses her energy to bring down Kammy Koopa. A tear and a farewell to a clever version of Peach that we won't see anymore...
-Super Mario Sunshine: ...because of this one. This game single-handedly brought Peach down three standard deviations on the IQ scale. How this was possible? Glad you ask! It was a carefully planned interplay of idiotic voice, awful plot, and "I'm your mama?" She thinks Shadow Mario is Mario, she asks Bowser Jr. whether he's Bowser's son, and when FLUDD dies, she is distracted from the tragic scene by the shiny Shine in the distance. Even her attempts at being useful shatter immediately, be it her trying to show Shadow Mario to Mario or her objection in court. Why didn't she appeal? Why didn't she go home after seeing the island? No trace of SMB3 or PM Peach to be found here.
-Mario & Luigi Superstar Saga: You might say she managed to trick Cackletta in this one. However, the info of the witch visiting was most likely given to her by Queen Bean. This leaves... Teehee Valley. Have you ever played one of these games where there's a character who's extremely vulnerable, but can't freaking stop, and you have to keep harm from them? Wasn't that extremely stupid and annoying? Now imagine doing puzzles in fast-forward around Peach, who obviously has only one walking speed (run), and if she crosses the boundaries of the screen, she gets kidnapped. Now, I don't think I have to point out that "standing without moving" is not something that requires a lot of intelligence, but obviously that's too high a concept for Ms. Still-Allowed-To-Rule-A-Country.
-Paper Mario 2: In the tradition of Paper Mario, Peach is supposed to help the heroes in her own chapter interludes. Now, however, she is guided by someone far more powerful and intelligent than she is , reducing her only to following orders. While her help is still immense compared to the few previous games, it doesn't really require as much intellectual ability. And, the whole problematic storyline starts with her fleeing from Toadsworth and buying suspicious things from suspicious vendors. Model princess behaviour!
-Mario & Luigi Partners in Time: To give her some slack, she does imprison one of the Princesses Shroob in the Cobalt Star, which is an accomplishment. Now, was the whole storyline really necessary? It wouldn't have been if Peach wasn't the first who used the time machine! Since a person who's extremely likely to be kidnapped in ANY situation, much more an unsafe one like a trip through time, is naturally one that should be used for a test-drive. The real question: is everyone around her just as stupid since no one said anything? E. Gadd is absentminded, and Toadsworth never gets listened to, but all others? Mario? Luigi?
-New Super Mario Bros: Peach literally does nothing but scream "Help!" several hundred times. Bowser Jr. puts her down, not tied up, many times - and she still doesn't undertake anything. You thought you would at least get mushrooms in the final battle? Hints? Anything? Tough luck! Here, the princess does even less than in SMB, if that's imaginable. And from what we've seen of NSMBWii, it seems like it won't be much better there. Just look at her:
"I get my cakes delivered by the Koopa Troop!"
-Super Paper Mario: In the third Paper Mario game, with Peach's transition to a full-fledged party member, she has lost her potential to help them on her own, instead all we got is a transformation from a story character to "someone to switch to for crossing long gaps and then to switch back". Although she tries to be noble, like in the final Mimi battle, she still has more stupidity here than in any other Paper series game. One example: in the Overthere, instead of going around and trying to find out where she is, Peach just picks up a mysterious golden apple and eats it. For giggles. And falls into a magic sleep, potentially forever if Mario and the others didn't save her. She shouldn't even have been hungry, she was DEAD at that point! This is the kind of dumb action that always leads to problems for those around her.
-Super Princess Peach: Oh, originality, a premise with reversed polarity. Peach has to save Mario - something that's only possible by willing suspension of disbelief - and, of course, doesn't talk much since she's playable. Her reactions to story events, however, reflect her established personality. She always rushes right into the Toad orbs even after knowing full well that there's a boss ahead - Perry outright tells her! And even though her emotions help her in this game, one can see how, if her mind works like this on a regular basis, it might inhibit her rational thinking. A lot.
-Super Smash Bros. Brawl: Not really a canon game, but here, Peach is her usual self, offering tea to people on top of a heavily armed and firing airship. Expectably, she gets turned into a statue and kidnapped a few times.
-Super Mario Galaxy: Peach once again invites Mario, this time to give him a Luma (curiously, nowhere in the game is it explained how she came into the possession of a Luma anyway) and, surprise, surprise, she gets kidnapped. Then, she sends him letters with 1-Ups, which is supposed to invoke the spirit of SMB3, but fails, since the 1-Ups are impermanent and non-rare, unlike the wise whistle hints and P-Wings etc. of yore. Finally, we only see her again in the end sequence, where she, along with Bowser, awakens and seemingly doesn't remember anything. Not that she ever remembers anything, particularly to install castle security, anyway.
-Mario & Luigi Bowser's Inside Story: As I pointed out previously, something is seriously wrong with Peach in that game. She is able to throw Bowser with hand gestures like the mightiest wizard, yet gets kidnapped by FOUR different people over the course of the game? (Bowser, Kretin, Fawful and Dark Bowser) This is a departure from her usual persona, but no less stupid. Maybe in the future, Peach will be a sort of "secret weapon" for the Mushroom Kingdom? "Bowser, you defeated our armies and our plumbers, but now you're dealing with PEEEEEECH!"
Honorable mentions:
-Mario Pinball Land: A device that turns people into spherical projectiles. Manned by Goombas. Peach: "I'm so there!"
Pictured: judgment of a true ruler.
-Super Smash Bros. Melee: Home to this sound clip. To quote Charles Babbage, "I am not rightly able to apprehend the kind of confusion that could provoke such a question", especially after a fight which implies that she has beaten everyone to a pulp beforehand.
It's sad that this character is the female that has appeared in the most video games. But I won't beat a dead Yoshi and ramble about how she's a bad role model for girls etc., that's a job for more generic video game blogs. You have the facts now, and it's your turn to build an opinion. Is Peach stupid? Did I misrepresent her? Am I an immature voodoo head? Comments are welcome!
~Waluigious: "I can't believe I got kidnapped…again."
Once upon a time, while giving the Super Mario Wiki a casual browse and looking for typos to correct in a haughty and supercilious fashion, I came upon this gem of description: "Princess Peach is classy, kind, clever, and adventurous." I chortled so hard I almost choked on my Waluigi-style eggplant snack. Clever? Since the ROMhack when? She was kidnapped slightly over 9000 times mainly due to her own lack of foresight, judgment, attention, common sense, and general gray matter, and someone still calls her clever? "This demands rectification", I exclaimed and promptly set off to illustrate the wrongness of that belief with one of those custom Waluigious chart thingies.
And so, here we go.
(Click to see it in full.)A point-by-point explanation of that overly pink graph:
-Super Mario Bros.: Our princess, who is in another castle, doesn't have much of an on-screen appearance until a few seconds before the game restarts, but luckily we have the enclosed instruction book to consult concerning her background. Quoth the manual, nevermore: "The only one who can undo the magic spell on the Mushroom People and return them to their normal selves is the Princess Toadstool, the daughter of the Mushroom King". This would require powerful white magic that only a wise person would be able to possess, but seeing that in this draft of the Marioverse story, the strangely-singular "Koopa" use black magic and Peach has a father, this all got subjected to a mighty retcon.
-Super Mario Bros. 2 is "Sir Not Appearing In This Chart" since not only do none of the playables of this game show even the minutest amount of personality, but they also were just figments of Mario's subconscious. It's funny how you can strip a character of personification by making him/her playable.
-Super Mario Bros. 3: Now the princess is free for most of the plot, exhibiting some of the helpfulness you might expect from someone able to de-blockify a whole kingdom. In the kidnappings of the other monarchs it's visible how strong the enemy forces are, and how easy it therefore is for the evil Koopas to capture someone. Peach sends you useful and rare items, gives you valuable but poorly-worded hints at the Whistles' locations, it's all awesome... until she gets kidnapped. All the player sees of her afterwards is that gut-wrenchingly poor parody of the SMB "another castle" phrase, followed by "Just kidding! Ha ha ha! Bye bye." This is a substantial foreshadowing of what's going to happen to her IQ in the future.
-Super Mario World: Here, Peach neither has any magic-canceling value nor does she help you, save for the mushrooms in the final battle. In fact, she pretty much just gets kidnapped... 96 exits later, rescued. In fact, the game itself acknowledges this - saving her is merely an afterthought after all the Yoshi eggs, and the final castle is the shortest of all. She could be easily replaced by a chunk of Triforce, a sack of kittens, anything worth fighting a giant turtle in a flying cereal bowl for.
-Super Mario RPG: Square, ever the "Mario is a vehicle for our own practices" crowd, projects their time-tried "spunky princess" image onto Peach, making her sneak out of her castle to join the
-Super Mario 64: Does anyone else find it suspicious that Peach tells Mario that she has already baked a cake for him, while after rescuing her, she still needs to bake it? But this is just one of the many things that are wrong with her. If the stars are that powerful, why keep them in paintings, holes, rabbits, blocks, etc. instead of, you know, using them against Bowser? The Koopa King himself isn't too smart, either, since he didn't figure out any way to use them effectively, as well. But Bowser's lack of brains is a topic for a whole 'nother article.
-Paper Mario: In this thin adventure, Peach is given one last attempt to be a non-obnoxiously-stupid character. The Peach between-chapters show her sneaking around, investigating, smuggling Mario some items from the castle, baking cake, answering quizzes, stealing identities etc. all by herself, since here she's paired with a character (Twink) who is absolutely useless except for his ability to fly, a talking messenger pigeon of sorts. Even in the final battle, her effort is visible when she focuses her energy to bring down Kammy Koopa. A tear and a farewell to a clever version of Peach that we won't see anymore...
-Super Mario Sunshine: ...because of this one. This game single-handedly brought Peach down three standard deviations on the IQ scale. How this was possible? Glad you ask! It was a carefully planned interplay of idiotic voice, awful plot, and "I'm your mama?" She thinks Shadow Mario is Mario, she asks Bowser Jr. whether he's Bowser's son, and when FLUDD dies, she is distracted from the tragic scene by the shiny Shine in the distance. Even her attempts at being useful shatter immediately, be it her trying to show Shadow Mario to Mario or her objection in court. Why didn't she appeal? Why didn't she go home after seeing the island? No trace of SMB3 or PM Peach to be found here.
-Mario & Luigi Superstar Saga: You might say she managed to trick Cackletta in this one. However, the info of the witch visiting was most likely given to her by Queen Bean. This leaves... Teehee Valley. Have you ever played one of these games where there's a character who's extremely vulnerable, but can't freaking stop, and you have to keep harm from them? Wasn't that extremely stupid and annoying? Now imagine doing puzzles in fast-forward around Peach, who obviously has only one walking speed (run), and if she crosses the boundaries of the screen, she gets kidnapped. Now, I don't think I have to point out that "standing without moving" is not something that requires a lot of intelligence, but obviously that's too high a concept for Ms. Still-Allowed-To-Rule-A-Country.
-Paper Mario 2: In the tradition of Paper Mario, Peach is supposed to help the heroes in her own chapter interludes. Now, however, she is guided by someone far more powerful and intelligent than she is , reducing her only to following orders. While her help is still immense compared to the few previous games, it doesn't really require as much intellectual ability. And, the whole problematic storyline starts with her fleeing from Toadsworth and buying suspicious things from suspicious vendors. Model princess behaviour!
-Mario & Luigi Partners in Time: To give her some slack, she does imprison one of the Princesses Shroob in the Cobalt Star, which is an accomplishment. Now, was the whole storyline really necessary? It wouldn't have been if Peach wasn't the first who used the time machine! Since a person who's extremely likely to be kidnapped in ANY situation, much more an unsafe one like a trip through time, is naturally one that should be used for a test-drive. The real question: is everyone around her just as stupid since no one said anything? E. Gadd is absentminded, and Toadsworth never gets listened to, but all others? Mario? Luigi?
-New Super Mario Bros: Peach literally does nothing but scream "Help!" several hundred times. Bowser Jr. puts her down, not tied up, many times - and she still doesn't undertake anything. You thought you would at least get mushrooms in the final battle? Hints? Anything? Tough luck! Here, the princess does even less than in SMB, if that's imaginable. And from what we've seen of NSMBWii, it seems like it won't be much better there. Just look at her:
"I get my cakes delivered by the Koopa Troop!"-Super Paper Mario: In the third Paper Mario game, with Peach's transition to a full-fledged party member, she has lost her potential to help them on her own, instead all we got is a transformation from a story character to "someone to switch to for crossing long gaps and then to switch back". Although she tries to be noble, like in the final Mimi battle, she still has more stupidity here than in any other Paper series game. One example: in the Overthere, instead of going around and trying to find out where she is, Peach just picks up a mysterious golden apple and eats it. For giggles. And falls into a magic sleep, potentially forever if Mario and the others didn't save her. She shouldn't even have been hungry, she was DEAD at that point! This is the kind of dumb action that always leads to problems for those around her.
-Super Princess Peach: Oh, originality, a premise with reversed polarity. Peach has to save Mario - something that's only possible by willing suspension of disbelief - and, of course, doesn't talk much since she's playable. Her reactions to story events, however, reflect her established personality. She always rushes right into the Toad orbs even after knowing full well that there's a boss ahead - Perry outright tells her! And even though her emotions help her in this game, one can see how, if her mind works like this on a regular basis, it might inhibit her rational thinking. A lot.
-Super Smash Bros. Brawl: Not really a canon game, but here, Peach is her usual self, offering tea to people on top of a heavily armed and firing airship. Expectably, she gets turned into a statue and kidnapped a few times.
-Super Mario Galaxy: Peach once again invites Mario, this time to give him a Luma (curiously, nowhere in the game is it explained how she came into the possession of a Luma anyway) and, surprise, surprise, she gets kidnapped. Then, she sends him letters with 1-Ups, which is supposed to invoke the spirit of SMB3, but fails, since the 1-Ups are impermanent and non-rare, unlike the wise whistle hints and P-Wings etc. of yore. Finally, we only see her again in the end sequence, where she, along with Bowser, awakens and seemingly doesn't remember anything. Not that she ever remembers anything, particularly to install castle security, anyway.
-Mario & Luigi Bowser's Inside Story: As I pointed out previously, something is seriously wrong with Peach in that game. She is able to throw Bowser with hand gestures like the mightiest wizard, yet gets kidnapped by FOUR different people over the course of the game? (Bowser, Kretin, Fawful and Dark Bowser) This is a departure from her usual persona, but no less stupid. Maybe in the future, Peach will be a sort of "secret weapon" for the Mushroom Kingdom? "Bowser, you defeated our armies and our plumbers, but now you're dealing with PEEEEEECH!"
Honorable mentions:
-Mario Pinball Land: A device that turns people into spherical projectiles. Manned by Goombas. Peach: "I'm so there!"
Pictured: judgment of a true ruler.-Super Smash Bros. Melee: Home to this sound clip. To quote Charles Babbage, "I am not rightly able to apprehend the kind of confusion that could provoke such a question", especially after a fight which implies that she has beaten everyone to a pulp beforehand.
It's sad that this character is the female that has appeared in the most video games. But I won't beat a dead Yoshi and ramble about how she's a bad role model for girls etc., that's a job for more generic video game blogs. You have the facts now, and it's your turn to build an opinion. Is Peach stupid? Did I misrepresent her? Am I an immature voodoo head? Comments are welcome!
~Waluigious: "I can't believe I got kidnapped…again."
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